You are really something. The things you’ve done, the places you’ve been, the people you’ve met… oh boy, the memories you’ve collected! You’ve been a nomad, a traveler, an Amazon, a rider, a storyteller. People tell you that you are ballsy, self-confident, courageous, daring…
But then you are also insecure, emotional, needy, dramatic and so on and so forth. Probably another reason you’ve been on Tinder or Inner Circle – the latest dating app I discovered while being too lazy to bike in this cold weather to any public place.
There are two types of people on dating apps: the ones who dedicate to one or two profiles at once and the ones who check other profiles while waiting for your replies having a constant fear of missing out. The first ones end up dating one of the profiles and ghosting – probably very politely – the other one. The second ones are hunters, restless, passionate, curious, nomads, people who have been living some shit, been heartbroken, rejected, ghosted and loved so many times they basically don’t give a fuck. Well not until their right buttons are triggered.
Swiping on the app your mind goes like:
Too serious. Bad photo, dude. Ugh. Too pretty. And nothing else. Weird. Too hippie. Too short. Too much of a close-up!!! Too much! Too easy! Too sad. Too old. Ugly … those teeth! Fat. Unconscious of himself. Arrogant. Materialistic… Too many of good old photos and just one recent where you can’t even tell what’s left of his youth.
I know. We are judgemental. We think we have enough experience to know everything before even talking to each other. It’s a jungle.
No likes, no winks, no woofs, he just breaks the ice after a profile check:
Hey! I must say that I actually prefer your two pictures even more than pictures of pizzas from a menu – and I really love pizza 🙈
Haha, much appreciated! You should see my Snapchat bitmoji, it has my face on a pizza. Well, my head is having a pizza aura… damn, can’t show it here. But you get it.
Well, you are welcome. And that escalated quickly. I am actually not sure if I get it, but here is mine.
Only if you tell me the origin of that name
It’s an alias to my surname. My great-great-grand-dad was Polish.
…3 minutes pass and he freaks out. He says goodbye.
You don’t want to feel like it was your fault and you engage in what it might be a better ending for a quite ok start of a conversation. You do a little bit of a small talk and hit them with a tricky question. You need their ideas. Make them think. Usually, they will think more about what you want to hear instead of what they would actually think.
Give me more. Give me a story.
Hmm… let’s see. How about a short story about the Crazy Polak from the Inner Circle? 😂 catchy. His urge and need to charm and leave an impression with this girl.
You’re not impressed. not after having those stories too many times and yet another one wants to start. You roll your eyes. Literally with this emoji: 🙄 This will drag you down. Nobody likes that! He’s politely signing out.
Now, this is your second time pulling him back in. Because it’s weekend and this is the best shot you got to an interesting plot.
But you’re smart. You can do it. And who doesn’t love seeing you put down a bit or pretend you misunderstood his sarcastic tone. Then you are being honest and tell him what was really to blame: another guy texted you.
ok, let’s start over… tell me about that weird text.
Ohay, he obviously likes you for very little things now. He only saw two silly pics of you and forgave two stupid moves… But hey, why not push it a little bit forward and see how he reacts when you are telling him about the last guy you dated? 🙄
– If you’re gonna be weird too I am gonna call it with Polish guys 😂
– I am Danish though…
– Okaaay, fine.
Now you ask him for his phone number. Not because he passed all your texts but you are actually tired of opening this stupid app and want to make it easier for your fingers. If you are too blunt he will not give it to you and asks you why.
– Boy, I sounded bossy.
– Haha, you are bossy indeed. 😂
– I hate this app. It makes me mean. And rude. And it’s hard to text.
– You do seem a bit mean and rude actually…
Damn, you really like messing things up, don’t you? Apologise, God dammit! And be the nice guy – well girl – for once! You can even ask him to help you in that sense. He will say you can definitely find inspiration somewhere else for that. You can take a hint and let it go… you lost.
– A good girl… actually, good girls are often kinda boring 🙄 Nah…I am just trying to figure you out, that’s all. Complexity is a mouthful, but kinda interesting too…
Oh, look at that. He wants to figure you out. Well, let him have a taste. Tell him you will answer three of the most important questions for him to find that out. And you will be 100% honest. He will not ask anything complicated, but things you both know. People want confirmations though.
– Hmm… okay then, first question: You are a bit into yourself, right?
– Easy question. A yes or no one. And having a relative “bit” in it 😃 So yes, I think I am a bit into myself. And not necessarily because of my qualities, but because of 100 other reasons. Mostly my flaws made me look inside. And my failures.
– And you are a dominant creature based on fear of not fitting in?
– Hmmm… I do have the fear of missing out. I think I almost accepted the fact that I don’t always fit in and I shouldn’t struggle much about it.
– You easily get bored and then you seek a fix for an “interesting environment”?
Well done. You are a human to him now. He will like knowing you are a bit insecure, protective and careful. Now, it’s your turn. Show him you want to figure him out. He will say he is honest, sensitive and simple, but he likes complexity. And when he realizes that’s quite a short presentation, he will ask you to ask three questions about himself. You will ask him the following:
1. Who would you save from the end of the world?
2. What age would you prefer to die?
3. How many dates you think we’ll have?
He will be sweet and honest. And then you can open up to him for the last time (or maybe not):
I am actually saddened by the dating these days… How we behave, how we forgot the romance and how we are just being fake polite. We scroll. We check out. We judge. We imagine. We barely dare to talk. We talk random or too personal with all kinds of strangers. We meet. Once a month. Once a week maybe when we get bored and don’t feel like doing the same things. We don’t connect. We don’t even expect to. Because it’s been too long since the last time we did it. And maybe that last one wasn’t even real. Was mostly in our dreamy heads. Then we become so… wild we don’t even know how to behave. So we might pass on real people really easy…We wouldn’t even know.
He gives you his phone number now. You can continue there.
– What do you want? I asked him.
– What do I want? Now that is a huge question… I guess I want to find my future-fantastic-baby-mama…
– I kinda want pizza now… but then is it really worth it? (I feel like most of the people on these dating apps think like this haha).
– Buy a pizza then, easy!
– I am having cake now.
With someone else…
And now, don’t worry, I know what my therapist will say:
The greatest damage rejection causes is usually self-inflicted. Just when our self-esteem is hurting most, we go and damage it even further.
Rejection feels like physical pain and Paracetamol is the cure for it. I know. And I also know that Rejection lowers your IQ. Yes, temporarily, but since I get it a lot… just don’t be surprised I act stupid. 🙃☺️🤡💃🏻
I swiped right.
Oh, you want the long version? Ok.
It was a dull grey day of February this year and I was a month old unemployed graduate laying in my bed. It must have been past noon when I finished replying to everyone and I went back on swiping.
I can’t remember exactly what exactly I was looking on Tinder that time, but it was my second last season. I got nothing else but time back then. So I did spend a few extra seconds actually reading people’s profiles. And there it was. Marketing Campaign Specialist. Bam! I instantly swiped right and it was definitely a match. Little that I knew that was one of the best matches ever!
The marketing campaign specialist agreed to meet me for a coffee and it was really cozy, although we mostly talked about how he got the job, at my request, of course. He suggested I should apply. I said, “Ok”. It took me 8 months. Not to prepare, but to work for free, spend a very short last summer season on Tinder, do some travels, internships, and volunteering, before I came across to the campaign specialist’ company again. I actually texted him saying, “hey, I am about to apply”. “Good luck!” he said. Then I got invited for an interview. “Hmm, that was fast”. Wondered if my Tinder match put a word for me? We met the second time and he said: “No, I didn’t mention you. If anything, that’s on you”. Well, thank you, mister! What a jerk, right? 😀 just kidding. He’s the nicest guy!
How did you find out about this job?
The recruiter asked me.
Well… you’ll laugh, but it was from a Tinder date.
She laughed hard.
I know it’s funny, I added, but just imagine my story if I get the job! 😀
To be honest, I wasn’t sure she’ll get me the job after saying that, but I guess I was a good match. And here is my story!
PS: this is for all those who can’t find love on Tinder.
Moral: find something else!
It was a risky move, I admit, and is not that every day comes along with a flawless British man asking me to ask him to marry me. Yes, he actually made me say it so he could play the game a little bit differently. 🙂 Cheeky, right?
The story is not that long. We met last night at a great house party where we both knew very little the crowd. We didn’t notice each other till hours later and he was friends with the guy I was going for. So I had the hots for this German/Irish speaking dude who was way more charismatic than any German I have ever met. Even now, years later, I still roll my eyes thinking about all the German guys I’ve met and dated. They are just not working for me… 😛
Ok, back to my husband from the title. When I noticed him he was right next to me at the bar – yes, the house party had a private bar with real bartenders and it was awesome! – I asked myself, how didn’t I notice him earlier tonight? He seemed really in place: six-foot tall British guy, stylish, a bit too serious for a house party, a combo of a businessman and a hipster, age fit, good smile and quite the observant type. My mom would absolutely adore him!
Since nobody was asking anything interesting after they helped me pick my cocktail, I just felt the perfect moment to engage in a serious conversation:
-Guys, I have a really serious question for you. Can you tell when a girl has a crush on you?
-Well, that is a really good question, the tall Brit said.
-Thank you! I added politely.
We all had a laugh when he said that men can tell girls like them when it’s obvious. Moving on…
-I guess you can tell by the signs. For example, the eyes can’t lie, the funny Brit continued.
When he said that, he was looking really careful into my eyes, so I couldn’t help but flash my eyelashes in a very obvious way to keep the fun tone alive. Yet, he took it as literally as the most obvious sign I am into him.
-So, for a scale of 1 to 10, how much I like you tonight? I asked keepeing my eyelashes dancing and lips zipping from the Moscow Mule.
-10! he said being dead serious.
Oh, wow, I am obvious as fuck! so obvious I can’t even joke about. I am still confused though. I am not into him, though he thinks I am. How can I be into him already? and how can that forced eyelashes game can work? Oh… that British humor.
But then, my real crush was right next to me assisting quiet and smiley.
-What do you think, mister? I asked him with in a perfect time to get away from the awkward moment where I was exposed as a complete in-love girl with a man I met 7 minutes before, and to find out the truth. How much do you think I am into you?
-Well, usually, girls tell me they like me better than my friend here. But that’s just what they tell me…
Ok, he didn’t embarrass any of us with a stupid scale number which I shouldn’t ask like that if I don’t like the answer, right? But then again, it was the first way to figure out the phenomenon I am interested in now. A few days ago, a wise man told me that guys always know when you like them! they know before you like them! How is that possible?? Such a paradox and such a good topic to explore in-depth. Another guy joined the conversation and they all admitted it’s hard to tell for sure when girls have crushes. But then again, there are too many types of men. And some make you like them just because they think you like them. And then you think the whole day about them and write a blog post. Ah, can anyone give me some spine here?
I slowly moved to another group of people and join a conversation that allowed me to process the new information. After they chatted a bit – probably on deciding on who’s gonna go after me – the confident Brit came and stole my attention with some catchy lines in my mother tongue.
-How do you say I love you in your language? he continued.
-Te iubesc, I answered.
He kept staring at me and smiling in a very intimidating way. I didn’t stare back.
-How do you say marry me?
-Vrei sa fii sotia mea?
-Not yet, darling. I don’t think I am ready for it now…
-No worries, darling. I am not looking for a wife anyway.
The condescending Brit was put down a bit and turned silent while I turned to his way hotter friend whom I think gave up on me the moment his friend fell in love. He probably realized I am actually into him and the game was over.
-Sometimes is just about the hunting game, he said.
-I agree. I must day, answering with that “10” was a bold move of your friend. For some it might seem a cocky and silly answer, but for others it might bring a really pleasant effect.
Soon after, I went home without anything but a slight regret I had a wrong strategy. Why did I want the redshirt German Irish speaking bloke – whom I knew from the beginning he’d be only a one night stand – over Mr. Britside who looked definitely husband material? 🙂
Sorry, mom. Maybe next time 😉
PS: this is my funny version of the real events happening last night. I bet some of the guests there will read this entry and could have extra info. They are all expected in my inbox. For example, these guys’ names. 😅 I just realized I didn’t even get their names