September Issues

I’ve never met David Bowie, but he once said aging is an extraordinary process whereby you become the person you always should have been. My stomach twirls every time I think of all the times I’ve hidden under heavy masks of conformity to toe the line the social groups I’ve aim for expected me to.
It’s September now, a few decades later and I don’t want to worry about that. I don’t want to worry about my mistakes. Note to self: let things happen organically. Do not rush the process! Deep breathe now. 👃 I also need to make my friends understand I should not be put on speakerphone. I speak my mind and my personality too loud. Did you know I have a bubbly personality? Well, I didn’t either. I just got endorsed by my manager for it and I want to think it wasn’t sarcastic. 🙄
So… September is here and I am a bit tired after this hot summer. Do you know how hard it is to find someone with a mind just as beautiful as their face? That’s one hard race. And I thought running a marathon is difficult! Speaking of running, I just did my first 5k in public the last day of August and I am so proud I didn’t die I will set more running goals for me. Yas, I know, I am getting cooler. I also want bigger boobs, but let’s save that for winter, ok? ( Dear Santa…✍️)
Summer is gone – winter is coming – I kissed some hot boys and then heard them crying (or seeing them run back to their exes). I don’t really get why. My philosophy is if it doesn’t hurt a bit then what’s the point of playing with fire? And you know that is my element. You also think I am a player, don’t ya? Well, let me tell you something, young lady (or boy)! I actually grew up with Disney movies and I am a grown hopeless romantic. I hope to fall in love with someone who never stops choosing me, someone I feel at home whenever I look at them. (Dear Santa, one more thing…✍️) I am not using sarcasm as a defense mechanism and I am not avoiding my feelings with dark humor. Seriously, I am not.
They say the smarter you get the less you speak. Well then, that’s my queue. Have a great week ahead, you brave and bored reader! Sorry that your job sucks that much you have time to read this. But hey, I do appreciate it.
Muah!
xx
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a series of unfortunate events #1

 I do not have a boyfriend, but I know a handful of guys who are mad at me for saying that. I can also hear those thinking ”I wonder why!’.
Well, sawry…
Dating is a complex concept for mating that human beings use in order to develop relationships that ideally are meant to last longer than in reality. And for fun. Period.
My recent personal problems revealed my most unsociable feature as I never found myself in: being antisocial, aka impossible to date. But hey, check this out. I am still present in people’s calendars.
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I still say yes to people. For example this screenshot is the proof that someone got a go from me a couple of weeks ago to ask me out. When he asked me when I am available I said, like any other Dane in about two weeks, on Tuesday, the 15th of May evening. Because I also added it in my calendar (after he kindly sent this snippet to me), today I was actually waiting any moment to get that invitation or the details. Now, at 9pm after stopping the snooze and getting really lazy, I lost hope. I honestly lost hope in all men out there now – at least those I’ve met so far. And I just came back from Italy. I know.
Italy was really fun though. Been asked to marriage before even going out! I believe we are going back to the old school ways of dating and relationships and I am actually more excited about trying that than waiting for this guy to call me.
Well, that was all for today, folks. Nothing else exciting in my dating life. Except that the other day I went on a second date with a tinder kiwi guy whom I met a year ago and I literally told him not to dare to kiss me (like I was made of porcelain or something – dad would be proud). Also, a French tourist whom I met last weekend suggested we should kiss. And I was quite confused and surprised because he actually told me he’s looking for a husband… I said no, of course, I am not that kind of man! But then we figured out his English was way poorer than his taste for women.
Oh, and I think I got the worst crush ever. So bad I can’t even tell you about. I talked to the kiwi tinder guy about it and then he thanked me for not letting him kiss me. No, I am joking!! Haha, he just said women are stupid! 😛
Ok, good night.
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waiting for that ONE guy to ask me out!
PS: if the guy having this event on his calendar today sees this, please come up with the best excuse ever. Like you died or something like that! 😀
PPS: the title is really reflecting my latest series of unfortunate events with my housing, family, friends, boyfriends, but this one is the least worst of them.
Stay tunned.

The Way We Meet

You are really something. The things you’ve done, the places you’ve been, the people you’ve met… oh boy, the memories you’ve collected! You’ve been a nomad, a traveler, an Amazon, a rider, a storyteller. People tell you that you are ballsy, self-confident, courageous, daring…

But then you are also insecure, emotional, needy, dramatic and so on and so forth. Probably another reason you’ve been on Tinder or Inner Circle – the latest dating app I discovered while being too lazy to bike in this cold weather to any public place.

There are two types of people on dating apps: the ones who dedicate to one or two profiles at once and the ones who check other profiles while waiting for your replies having a constant fear of missing out. The first ones end up dating one of the profiles and ghosting – probably very politely – the other one. The second ones are hunters, restless, passionate, curious, nomads, people who have been living some shit, been heartbroken, rejected, ghosted and loved so many times they basically don’t give a fuck. Well not until their right buttons are triggered.

Swiping on the app your mind goes like:

Too serious.  Bad photo, dude.  Ugh.  Too pretty. And nothing else.  Weird. Too hippie.  Too short.  Too much of a close-up!!!  Too much! Too easy! Too sad.  Too old.  Ugly … those teeth!  Fat. Unconscious of himself. Arrogant. Materialistic… Too many of good old photos and just one recent where you can’t even tell what’s left of his youth. 

I know. We are judgemental. We think we have enough experience to know everything before even talking to each other. It’s a jungle.

No likes, no winks, no woofs, he just breaks the ice after a profile check:

Hey! I must say that I actually prefer your two pictures even more than pictures of pizzas from a menu – and I really love pizza 🙈

Haha, much appreciated! You should see my Snapchat bitmoji, it has my face on a pizza. Well, my head is having a pizza aura… damn, can’t show it here. But you get it.

Well, you are welcome. And that escalated quickly. I am actually not sure if I get it, but here is mine.

Only if you tell me the origin of that name

It’s an alias to my surname. My great-great-grand-dad was Polish.

…3 minutes pass and he freaks out. He says goodbye. 

You don’t want to feel like it was your fault and you engage in what it might be a better ending for a quite ok start of a conversation. You do a little bit of a small talk and hit them with a tricky question. You need their ideas. Make them think. Usually, they will think more about what you want to hear instead of what they would actually think.

Give me more. Give me a story.

Hmm… let’s see. How about a short story about the Crazy Polak from the Inner Circle? 😂 catchy. His urge and need to charm and leave an impression with this girl. 

You’re not impressed. not after having those stories too many times and yet another one wants to start. You roll your eyes. Literally with this emoji: 🙄 This will drag you down. Nobody likes that! He’s politely signing out.

Now, this is your second time pulling him back in. Because it’s weekend and this is the best shot you got to an interesting plot.

But you’re smart. You can do it. And who doesn’t love seeing you put down a bit or pretend you misunderstood his sarcastic tone. Then you are being honest and tell him what was really to blame: another guy texted you.

ok, let’s start over… tell me about that weird text.

Ohay, he obviously likes you for very little things now. He only saw two silly pics of you and forgave two stupid moves… But hey, why not push it a little bit forward and see how he reacts when you are telling him about the last guy you dated?  🙄

– If you’re gonna be weird too I am gonna call it with Polish guys 😂

– I am Danish though…

– Okaaay, fine.

Now you ask him for his phone number. Not because he passed all your texts but you are actually tired of opening this stupid app and want to make it easier for your fingers. If you are too blunt he will not give it to you and asks you why.

– Boy, I sounded bossy.

– Haha, you are bossy indeed. 😂

– I hate this app. It makes me mean. And rude. And it’s hard to text.

– You do seem a bit mean and rude actually…

Damn, you really like messing things up, don’t you? Apologise, God dammit! And be the nice guy – well girl – for once! You can even ask him to help you in that sense. He will say you can definitely find inspiration somewhere else for that. You can take a hint and let it go… you lost.

– A good girl… actually, good girls are often kinda boring 🙄 Nah…I am just trying to figure you out, that’s all. Complexity is a mouthful, but kinda interesting too…

Oh, look at that. He wants to figure you out. Well, let him have a taste. Tell him you will answer three of the most important questions for him to find that out. And you will be 100% honest. He will not ask anything complicated, but things you both know. People want confirmations though.

– Hmm… okay then, first question: You are a bit into yourself, right?

– Easy question. A yes or no one. And having a relative “bit” in it 😃 So yes, I think I am a bit into myself. And not necessarily because of my qualities, but because of 100 other reasons. Mostly my flaws made me look inside. And my failures.

– And you are a dominant creature based on fear of not fitting in?

– Hmmm… I do have the fear of missing out. I think I almost accepted the fact that I don’t always fit in and I shouldn’t struggle much about it.

– You easily get bored and then you seek a fix for an “interesting environment”?

– Yes.

Well done. You are a human to him now. He will like knowing you are a bit insecure, protective and careful. Now, it’s your turn. Show him you want to figure him out. He will say he is honest, sensitive and simple, but he likes complexity. And when he realizes that’s quite a short presentation, he will ask you to ask three questions about himself. You will ask him the following:

1. Who would you save from the end of the world?

2. What age would you prefer to die?

3. How many dates you think we’ll have?

He will be sweet and honest. And then you can open up to him for the last time (or maybe not):

I am actually saddened by the dating these days… How we behave, how we forgot the romance and how we are just being fake polite. We scroll. We check out. We judge. We imagine. We barely dare to talk. We talk random or too personal with all kinds of strangers. We meet. Once a month. Once a week maybe when we get bored and don’t feel like doing the same things. We don’t connect. We don’t even expect to. Because it’s been too long since the last time we did it. And maybe that last one wasn’t even real. Was mostly in our dreamy heads. Then we become so… wild we don’t even know how to behave. So we might pass on real people really easy…We wouldn’t even know.

He gives you his phone number now. You can continue there.

– What do you want? I asked him.

– What do I want? Now that is a huge question… I guess I want to find my future-fantastic-baby-mama…

– I kinda want pizza now… but then is it really worth it? (I feel like most of the people on these dating apps think like this haha).

– Buy a pizza then, easy!

– I am having cake now.

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With someone else…

Is the Season to Be Rejected

After opening up about my current emotional level, my psychiatrist concluded:
“Oh, that’s sad!”
“Well, why do you think I am here (bitch)?! I asked her rhetorically and politely leaving the last word out.
The whole psychiatrist session lasted about fifteen minutes including the hello’s and “best of luck” wishes. She basically fired me by recommending I should see a therapist who can deal with my emotions.
Fair enough. Good thing I have lots of therapeutical friends who don’t charge as much as degree holders in this country.
“You need a boyfriend!” The psychiatrist added.
“No, I don’t! I kinda decided that like five minutes ago when we both agree I have issues. Like who wants an emotionally unstable person?”
“Ok. You’re not sick. You just live in Denmark.” That’s what my therapeutical friends told me.
Let’s recap why I need to tell my real therapist:
The last guy I dated ghosted the fuck out of me after our second date. And I actually liked him…
My roomie just wrote an official paper where it says I have to move out. And I thought he’s my bestie…
My former office crush completely ignored me the night we supposed to hook up. And hit on some other girl…
A bunch of Danish guys whom I spent the last New Years said there is no more room for me this year. And I thought we are friends…
I mean, seriously?! How much more one can take? Like is not enough that the sun goes down before five pm, that it’s fucking freezing and there is no snow in Copenhagen, or that I am not going home for Christmas, but everything else. Oh, man, I wish Santa Claus was real… I think some good presents will heal all these broken pieces of my heart.
rejected

And now, don’t worry, I know what my therapist will say:

The greatest damage rejection causes is usually self-inflicted. Just when our self-esteem is hurting most, we go and damage it even further.

Rejection feels like physical pain and Paracetamol is the cure for it. I know. And I also know that Rejection lowers your IQ. Yes, temporarily, but since I get it a lot… just don’t be surprised I act stupid. 🙃☺️🤡💃🏻

 

xoxo

How I Found My New Job on Tinder

I swiped right.

The end.

🙂

Oh, you want the long version? Ok.

It was a dull grey day of February this year and I was a month old unemployed graduate laying in my bed. It must have been past noon when I finished replying to everyone and I went back on swiping.

I can’t remember exactly what exactly I was looking on Tinder that time, but it was my second last season. I got nothing else but time back then. So I did spend a few extra seconds actually reading people’s profiles. And there it was. Marketing Campaign Specialist. Bam! I instantly swiped right and it was definitely a match. Little that I knew that was one of the best matches ever!

The marketing campaign specialist agreed to meet me for a coffee and it was really cozy, although we mostly talked about how he got the job, at my request, of course. He suggested I should apply. I said, “Ok”. It took me 8 months. Not to prepare, but to work for free, spend a very short last summer season on Tinder, do some travels, internships, and volunteering, before I came across to the campaign specialist’ company again. I actually texted him saying, “hey, I am about to apply”. “Good luck!” he said. Then I got invited for an interview. “Hmm, that was fast”. Wondered if my Tinder match put a word for me? We met the second time and he said: “No, I didn’t mention you. If anything, that’s on you”. Well, thank you, mister! What a jerk, right? 😀 just kidding. He’s the nicest guy!

How did you find out about this job?

The recruiter asked me.

Well… you’ll laugh, but it was from a Tinder date.

She laughed hard.

I know it’s funny, I added, but just imagine my story if I get the job! 😀

To be honest, I wasn’t sure she’ll get me the job after saying that, but I guess I was a good match. And here is my story!

You’re welcome!

PS: this is for all those who can’t find love on Tinder.

Moral: find something else!

 

killer way (not) to kill a crush

I couldn’t move. We were standing in the middle of that one place that I always fantasize to “trash” with an extreme desire and passion for the human love. It wasn’t the elevator.
I don’t think we were hugging but our bodies were placed tight one onto the other and it felt like two halves put for the first time together. There we were, standing as two halves with conscious minds, fears, insecurities, expectations and a common (in)ability to blend. Our feet were fixed deep on the floor and almost shaking. Our hands were exploring surfaces of clothes and felt new body structures without having the courage to go deeper. Our minds were navigating through all sorts of thoughts and could only imagine what would be beyond all the details. A smooth skin, a muscly chest, a firm touch… maybe an amazing lover?
We already have decided we shouldn’t do anything. Well, I did and he respected my decision. It was just a matter of time until one would fail.
– So you don’t want me to have you right here, right now in the most exciting possible way? he asked staring at me with his glazing eyes.
– No.
I was half lying. He knew that every single inch of my body was screaming “yes”, but I just didn’t want to feel the dull-after-glow.
– I am thirsty. I said after minutes of sniffing, trembling and touching this fascinating man.
– What do you wanna drink? He asked me swallowing some hardcore impulses.
– Anything.
We still didn’t move nor interrupted anyhow the big nothing we were doing. I knew he was waiting for me to fall. To kiss him. To undress him. To have him right there in the most forbidden place. I struggled so much not to though, was curious to see how much can he wait, and I was also secretly hoping he will fail first.
I made the first step back. I think it was the hardest step back I had to take… Damn, my body was paralyzed! I was using all my force left to move away and get some water. My mouth was so dry…
– I would’ve taken you home if you…
– Me too. I said sad but relieved.
Then I left.
It was just a crush. For both of us. And we didn’t consummate it for the sake of not killing its feels. Having a crush like this makes your imagination go wild, lets your hormones dance and beats all the porn videos out there.
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How I said NO to my future husband

It was a risky move, I admit, and is not that every day comes along with a flawless British man asking me to ask him to marry me. Yes, he actually made me say it so he could play the game a little bit differently. 🙂 Cheeky, right?

The story is not that long. We met last night at a great house party where we both knew very little the crowd. We didn’t notice each other till hours later and he was friends with the guy I was going for. So I had the hots for this German/Irish speaking dude who was way more charismatic than any German I have ever met. Even now, years later, I still roll my eyes thinking about all the German guys I’ve met and dated. They are just not working for me… 😛

Ok, back to my husband from the title. When I noticed him he was right next to me at the bar – yes, the house party had a private bar with real bartenders and it was awesome! – I asked myself, how didn’t I notice him earlier tonight? He seemed really in place: six-foot tall British guy, stylish, a bit too serious for a house party, a combo of a businessman and a hipster, age fit, good smile and quite the observant type. My mom would absolutely adore him!

Since nobody was asking anything interesting after they helped me pick my cocktail, I just felt the perfect moment to engage in a serious conversation:

-Guys, I have a really serious question for you. Can you tell when a girl has a crush on you?

-Well, that is a really good question, the tall Brit said.

-Thank you! I added politely.

We all had a laugh when he said that men can tell girls like them when it’s obvious. Moving on…

-I guess you can tell by the signs. For example, the eyes can’t lie, the funny Brit continued.

When he said that, he was looking really careful into my eyes, so I couldn’t help but flash my eyelashes in a very obvious way to keep the fun tone alive. Yet, he took it as literally as the most obvious sign I am into him.

-So, for a scale of 1 to 10, how much I like you tonight? I asked keepeing my eyelashes dancing and lips zipping from the Moscow Mule.

-10! he said being dead serious.

Oh, wow, I am obvious as fuck! so obvious I can’t even joke about. I am still confused though. I am not into him, though he thinks I am. How can I be into him already? and how can that forced eyelashes game can work?  Oh… that British humor.

But then, my real crush was right next to me assisting quiet and smiley.

-What do you think, mister? I asked him with in a perfect time to get away from the awkward moment where I was exposed as a complete in-love girl with a man I met 7 minutes before, and to find out the truth. How much do you think I am into you?

-Well, usually, girls tell me they like me better than my friend here. But that’s just what they tell me…

Ok, he didn’t embarrass any of us with a stupid scale number which I shouldn’t ask like that if I don’t like the answer, right? But then again, it was the first way to figure out the phenomenon I am interested in now. A few days ago, a wise man told me that guys always know when you like them! they know before you like them! How is that possible?? Such a paradox and such a good topic to explore in-depth. Another guy joined the conversation and they all admitted it’s hard to tell for sure when girls have crushes. But then again, there are too many types of men. And some make you like them just because they think you like them. And then you think the whole day about them and write a blog post. Ah, can anyone give me some spine here?

I slowly moved to another group of people and join a conversation that allowed me to process the new information. After they chatted a bit – probably on deciding on who’s gonna go after me – the confident Brit came and stole my attention with some catchy lines in my mother tongue.

-How do you say I love you in your language? he continued.

-Te iubesc, I answered.

He kept staring at me and smiling in a very intimidating way. I didn’t stare back.

-How do you say marry me?

-Vrei sa fii sotia mea?

-Not yet, darling. I don’t think I am ready for it now…

-No worries, darling. I am not looking for a wife anyway.

The condescending Brit was put down a bit and turned silent while I turned to his way hotter friend whom I think gave up on me the moment his friend fell in love. He probably realized I am actually into him and the game was over.

-Sometimes is just about the hunting game, he said.

-I agree. I must day, answering with that “10” was a bold move of your friend. For some it might seem a cocky and silly answer, but for others it might bring a really pleasant effect.

Soon after, I went home without anything but a slight regret I had a wrong strategy. Why did I want the redshirt German Irish speaking bloke – whom I knew from the beginning he’d be only a one night stand – over Mr. Britside who looked definitely husband material? 🙂 

Sorry, mom. Maybe next time 😉

 

PS: this is my funny version of the real events happening last night. I bet some of the guests there will read this entry and could have extra info. They are all expected in my inbox. For example, these guys’ names. 😅 I just realized I didn’t even get their names