Caress my soul

Sunday I fell in love. I know, I know… I fall in love every day. But this time was with someone on the radio. I’ve been listening to this band before, but never paid any attention nor cared to check it out. But this Sunday something triggered it. Been listening to all their songs, watched all the videos and couldn’t get enough of it. It’s probably my wanderlust, and missing Australia… It got me thinking and dwelling in my memories from my sundry travels down under. I have this memory of a special day in Byron Bay where I met the coolest and friendliest Aussie surfer boys. I remember I was sad about leaving someone when I arrived at Byron, but then this tall dude with a rock/surf/reggae look welcomed me with the most laidback attitude. He looked so newly strange to me I was thinking, oh, he looks so silly with that curly messy loose hair combed back under that silly hat. And he acts so “whatever, dude” about it. You would say he couldn’t care less about his looks, but that pencil mustache of his would just prove you wrong.

So yeah, he made me smile with his looks and all, then he did me a favor and I don’t remember paying any attention to him afterward. For the rest of my life that memory will stay, man. Can you tell I am smiling under my mustache here? hehe

And here I am now. Months and miles away analyzing every bit of that memory and listening to this voice on the radio that makes me live it again and again. I find it so strange… I do, really.

Monday I had the weirdest dream. It was a really sunny day, we were chilling in the land of pleasure. See now is the time when everything was perfect. We would jump around to the sound of music, being high, chewing on our tastes, swimming, and dipping in a summer house’s pool where others would chill having no worries. We would just stare at each other and smile like two kids that have no idea what is this. We took our time, but he took mine. We secluded in that far away place believing that everything was okay.

Next thing I know, we were years away and the whole world was fucked up. We were having the same house, swimming in the same pool but there were seaweeds and we were slower somehow… That was a messy world we would living in. Outside there was no power, no order, no cares about family, kids, friends and strangers. Nothing. There were no straight streets, no locks on doors and no attention. You wouldn’t even feel alive. People would act and feel like objects left aside in a storage room. Yes, there was the sun on the sky, but it was so cold everywhere. You would see babies on the streets freezing their naked bodies and protecting their open bloody wounds. Brrr…

He would look at me with fear and a restless mind saying he hates it when I am away and he’d killed me so I’d stay. Cause he knows I wouldn’t behave. Maybe him and I are a little the same, so what do you think of what we’ve made? 🙂

Babe, even though I only see you on the TV screen,
With all those girls and your toys and your pleasured scream
I’ll easy spend up all this loving for my dream boy
I don’t want to share. Even when it’s quiet, I’ll be thinking about you
I’ll be thinking about you, babe, I’ll be thinking about you.
When you’re with that other girl, I hope you’re thinking about me, I hope you’re thinking bout me, babe.
Cause I’m thinking about you.

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*Thank God for music and talented people who are able to make us feel like this.
Love you, Dylan! ❤
Too bad I didn’t meet you last year 🙂

Falling in love (Master Thesis)

[Introduction]

 

When I left Australia I knew I will go back someday and that’s because I fell in love. Some people say I fall in love every day with something or someone, but the way I did it in Australia was absolutely amazing. My experience there reinstalled my belief that I am able to feel things I thought there are only for the fortunate ones. Unfortunately, now I have plenty of unanswered questions about this newly rediscovered phenomenon called “love”. This article aims to answer a few of them.

 

[Literature review]

 

Aron et al. (1997) have made this practical experiment to create closeness between individuals under controlled conditions and illustrated its applicability for testing theoretical issues. The idea behind was to structure self-disclosure between strangers in  only 45 minutes. However, being inspired by the “acquaintance paradigm” of Collins and Miller (1994), the study was meant to develop a temporary feeling of closeness, not an actual going relationship. Closeness is defined as “including other in the self” by Aron et al. (1992) and similar to what researchers call intimacy. “Intimacy is a process in which each feels his or her innermost self validated, understood, and cared for by the other” (Reis & Shaver, 1988). But as you probably agree, there are plenty of other definitions to words like these.

 

Furthermore, to have a better understanding of the closeness study, I will use the more popular and modern love essay written by Mandy Len Catron (2015) called “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This”. She calls the closeness study a success of making two strangers fall in love in the laboratory and demonstrates it with her own. Her experiment was quite like mine in Australia:  I went there to fall in love, but when four months had past and the only one I could feel some kind of closeness was my unattractive roomie, I gave up on men. I was like “damn it, I am incapable of feeling and maybe I will actually ending up marring a friend and not a lover like my roomie”.

 

[methodology]

 

In June I went to see Uluru, the biggest rock in the world. [😃 Sorry, is just I cannot smiling whenever I start this story…] The night before I had a date with a guy that looked just like prince William (for real). Let me explain the correlation. When I saw their picture (Figure 1) in 2014 I just knew I wanna go there. I had no idea why, but I really wanted a picture like that. Additionally, the photo has history (figure 2).

 

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Fig 1

 

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Fig 2

 

The day before my trip I went shopping for a similar royal dress. All I could find was one with bears and I didn’t fall with my date William, nor did I take him with me.

 

My trip to Uluru was planned long time before I arrived to Australia, but I didn’t know it until I left there. It was a rainy day and I was one of the 2% lucky tourists to be there when it rains. 3 hours after my arrival I freaked out. The sun was up, I checked everything out but what in the God’s name was I doing there all by myself? It was the first time I went somewhere completely alone without any plans. I think it was minutes later I heard his voice. It wasn’t God, it was the guy that now is part of my “eat, pray, love” story down under.

 

But let’s go back to Catron. Just like myself before Uluru when I said outloud and very serious that I need my love to eat and pray, Catron needed a man to make the love experiment. They knew each other from university and she chose him after just a “glimpse into his days on Instagram” and a few rounds at the gym (fair enough).

 

I explained the study to my university acquaintance. A heterosexual man and woman enter the lab through separate doors. They sit face to face and answer a series of increasingly personal questions. Then they stare silently into each other’s eyes for four minutes. The most tantalizing detail: Six months later, two participants were married. They invited the entire lab to the ceremony.
‘let’s try it’, he said

 

I know, right? this just made you think of that one person you would wanna fall in love with and text them right away. But hold your horses for a second here, will ya?

 

[discussion]

 

Just like so many other people I know, Catron turned to science whilst being in the midst of a breakup “hoping there was a way to love smarter”. With an iPhone and 36 questions, these two “acquaintances” fall in love in a bar that night and they are still together.
I didn’t have to ask my guy too many questions. I just got sucked into his ocean blue eyes, his wide and silly smile, and …ok, can you hear my chuckles now? 😃
Catron (2015) brings upfront how everyone has a narrative of themselves that they offer up to strangers, but Dr. Aron’s 36 questions make it impossible to rely on that narrative. She says that when you are young, it feels natural to get to know someone quickly and it rarely happens in the adult life. I would add to this the fact that we know so little about the world as youngsters and too much about ourselves when we grow up. Please feel free to disagree.

 

[findings]

 

Falling in love in a laboratory is definitely less romantic than in the middle of Australia’s red desert under the starry skies. But getting to know someone, evolving, growing in and out of love, being in a relationship and letting someone to know you, well that’s a successful story.
I’ve skied steep slopes and hung from a rock face by a short length of rope, but staring into someone’s eyes for four silent minutes was one of the more thrilling and terrifying experiences of my life. I spent the first couple of minutes just trying to breathe properly. There was a lot of nervous smiling until, eventually, we settled in.
[conclusion]

 

You need to trust yourself and go for what you want with all the patience in the world. Staring into someone eyes might make you the most vulnerable you have ever been. Letting someone to get to know you might be dangerous, but seeing someone seeing you increases way more the level of your vulnerability. Now, my Question #37:
Are you willing to fall in love?

Message In A bottle

I am not 21. I am not even 27… Probably by now you know how old I am and whatever you think it has a “damn” in it. No, pretty sure it’s more like a “Daaaaaaamn!”
Damn what?
Damn, girl, you don’t look like? Damn, aren’t you old for this shit? Damn, you don’t sound like it? Daaaaamn, girl, you’re a woman? Damn, are you gonna write this on your blog? 😮
I am probably asking myself these things more than you are, but I heard some really impregnated reactions lately so I couldn’t help thinking of…what you’re thinking 😛
The oldest (cool) guy I met down here is 29yo in papers, but not a day more than 21 in real life. He has to smoke weed, drink shit loads of beers and break his bones every day while surfing to make it. For some reason I get him and I even relate to him – except the surfing part – I like my body in one piece – and I am sincerely trying to quit drinking beer, though it’s way better in Australia than Europe!
This guy invented a game called “The girl of the week”. He would choose a pretty girl on the beach every week and collect the memories in between substances. This reminded of my first time… I was the girl of the week on a sunny beach for a hot guy who never called me afterwords. He did actually found me 4 years later in a bar and gave me his apologies  and a huge great reason. Since then I can’t trust a guy who plays this game, but surely it’s super fun when you’re on a beach for less than a week and make your fantasies come true.
❤ Also, it’s more memorable if you’re not doing it every week…
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Surfer Boy splashing me away
Some people have goals when it comes to relationships. And you’re like “who doesn’t?” but I am talking of the most “insignificant” relationships that actually last forever – even though it was just a fucking one night stand for the other side. Stories like this will always be remembered. We make them happen for our “bitch if you have” portfolio. We live them even more intense when turned on by the faces of those who will hear the stories. We do it for the most craziest reasons. Like “I saw that in the movie” or “I wanna write about this”.
But it gets tiring… I am pretty sure the old surfer had his dry weeks too. Long, white nights when looking at a ceiling and thinking what the hell is he doing with his life. Is this who he actually is? Does he love himself? And what about that girl? Is the girl from last week the one? Or maybe he will never find a girl like THAT ONE. I am talking about Sarah, that amazing bitch who gave him the best days of his life. The one girl who he can fuck for hours, days and weeks without being high. She was one helluva girl. But they both knew they are not meant forever…she wanted a career in the city, he was a dreamer and loved his wild life on the beach. Maybe it’s time he should compromise? Maybe he would be happier in her arms in a nice condo in Sydney right now?  Then he pictures their wedding and his parents’ faces full of joy and accomplishment. All their friends would be super fucking proud and drunk at the party of the year. Few years later they will have a kid and all he’s gonna teach him would be surf, skating and football. School is pointless anyway. Sarah did it for so long they have it for 2 generations. They’ll still be looking hot af and probably by then living in a nice house on the beach coast. Mmmm…now isn’t that something even you would dream of?
But then he opens his eyes, a beer and lights a joint. He’s miles away from her and that life. He doesn’t have enough money to move now to fucking Sydney, he hates the city and Sarah is probably seeing someone else right now. They haven’t talked in ages.
We get addicted easily to drugs and other vices. The individual recovery takes a lot of change of the society actually. We might be aware of our “small” addictions, but we what we are really addicted to is the society and its expectations. The moment we break out we might lose ourselves for a while… We live in a world where the most important connections we have is to the WiFi and transportation. Try to break those and survive! without alcohol. Auch…that life isn’t for everyone. We have suppliers instead of friends and lovers. We objectify people and have no idea what’s beyond their Facebook profiles or our chat windows. We are afraid of real human connections and probably immune to them, because when they’re knocking on our soul’s door we suddenly become busy and emotionally unavailable. Ah, where is my love dealer right now?? I need a dose…
It was my birthday the other day and all the good wishes made more sad than happy… One message got into my head though. It simply said:
“Stay Blessed!”
This made me be grateful for all the reasons I am extremely blessed: I am healthy, I look way younger than my age (even though I am like  40 in bunny years), I am free to do whatever I want, all my grandparents are alive and my mom is the most amazing woman I have ever met – she takes care of all of us. Also, because I found the place that gives me peace and I can call it home. The only thing that disrupts my happiness is the thought of this ending…just like every other thing you don’t fight for to make it last. Like the thought Sarah is not thinking about her beloved Surfer. That’s bullshit. I know for sure Sarah wishes the same things, but they they are on different paths and journeys at the moment. And stupidly normal, they both wait for each other 🙂
I am loved. By a few people who I should say thank you and I love you to more often… I don’t know how to express my love these days…so I will just say it here:
I FUCKING LOVE YOU!
…you, my family who for some weird reason are proud of me.
…you, my best friends who listen my shit, failures and successes.
…you, my friends who answer my stupid lazy queries.
…you, my ex-friends who I slept with but became very ungrateful, fyi: I will always cherish the good times!
…you, the men I will never have but dream of. Especially that Danish chef who doesn’t even know I exist (sigh)
…you, my fans who are invisible and extremely jealous, I love you even more for that!
and you… my future best lover, best friend and significant other. Dude, what are you doing right now? can’t you tell I am waiting for you here?
oh, and you too, freaking odd and old surfer! you are another version of me after all. Such a dreamer!
I write this for myself and those who I love. And even if I don’t know you (yet), I love you too. It’s a general state of mind this love I am sharing now. So…it’s like a message in a bottle. You never know if anyone is gonna read it, but you have the hope 🙂
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAMM8JVbr8g
ps: damn WP! is asking me to pay for upload a video! soon they will charge me for pornographic material… 😐

You want a visa? Marry me!

Last night a bottle of Chiraz and I were sitting on the curb-stone in front of my building being sad. And who am I calling? The number one man in my life: dad.

We haven’t talked for weeks so went for more than an hour when a guy stops brutally his bike to tell me that I am beautiful. 

I smile and say thanks.

Dad, what was I saying?

2 minutes later, the guy comes back to ask for my name and…my hand. 

Dude, I am on the phone!

yeah, yeah…what’s your name?

Uhm, can you wait a little? I am talking with my father here!

Oh, OK! 

I am hanging up very politely to my father to listen to this stranger – sometimes strangers have a gift to change my mood with their stories so I am listening.

I am not a drug dealer. I don’t take drugs. Do you? No you don’t. You don’t look like someone who takes. Those are ugly people. I don’t, well maybe some cocaine…oh, you Romanians have the BEST coke ever! Oh, you people are mental… especially fathers. If they have a daughter they would cut your throat for her. That’s why I let you talk to him. I though it was your boyfriend tho.. Ohhhhh boy.. I know, my ex was half-Romanian. That bitch!! Do you know she wanted to take half from me when we divorced?? But police took everything anyway… haha! Yeah, motherfuckers. I did 3 years in jail. They caught me selling… 

So you DO sell drugs! 

Ha, I don’t… I mean, the judge said I ruin people’s lives. But I don’t see it like that! People can decide, do you know what I mean? They can say no to drugs. Why am I the bad guy just for selling to those who want it? And the fucking government is putting drugs on the street. Fucking assholes!! They should give me a break! Man… I wanted to kill myself in there. But it’s not like they say… I mean, sure, there are weak guys, but there are also protectors. I was helping them. And their families paid me for it. By the time I got out I had a 40k in my account. I like helping people. If something makes you happy I will do it for you. I am serious. 

You don’t even know me. 🙂

I can tell. I read people. You’re good. You’re beautiful and smart. You argue with me. I hate women who always agree with what you say. Ugh. Those are the worst! never trust them. But you’re true. You like it here? You wanna stay here? You want a visa? Marry me! No, seriously, I would do that for you. Just to see you happy!  

Haha, thanks. This is too easy and you wouldn’t be my first choice though…

Well of course. You’re beautiful. You can get a guy easily. What? you don’t think so? I am telling you. If you come to my club you will be [ah, I forgot the word] by men. But you don’t go out much, do you? Yeah, I can tell… So when can I take you to dinner?

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Dad is calling me. 

My dad actually called me back to check if I am safe. 😮  pfff  ❤ that man! 

Saved by the bell. I ran inside the electronic doors and I didn’t even look back. I could hear him punching the doors and yelling:

HEY! YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!! HEY!! COME BACK!

Surfers Are Liars

You know those creatures who live on the green waves in Australia’s wild beaches? They all have golden curls, a Colgate smile, a six pack and perfect hands for each part of your body. 😀

You’ve probably seen them around or at least heard some stories… Well I just met few of them and, truth be told, they don’t do anything but surf, eat, drink, repeat!

oh, and LIE. I heard some can love too, but I haven’t got into that yet.

Just got back from my spring break in Sydney and Surf Camp Australia. My first days in Australia put me on a surf board and even though it was huge, heavy and hard as fuck, I have never liked anything better (except making love). Just like Steve-O  did when he came down to have the authentic Australian surfers experience, I went to Surf Camp.

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I have never been to a camp and I have never taken any lessons in my life. Always wished to learn the right way to play a sport or an instrument, but my parents cared more about my math and literature knowledge. And who can blame them? This is all what people these days talk about, right? haha

Australia’s surfers are young and restless. I could listen some of them forever. They can talk about WWT forever. And with an accent and a slang. M.M.MMM!!  And that is not world war three, but Wind, Waves and Tide.

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So, what is the first thing surfers do???

Surf check!

Perrrrrrfeeeect! 

Omg, say perfect one more time and I will… Yeah! Surfers are liars. They say your rolling and jumping on the sand like a penguin is epic. They’ll give you enough confidence to go dip in crazy stupid waves and try standing on a surf board. It will take a couple of hours till you manage to have 5 amazing seconds up and they will just wave at you saying that was AMAZING! (I am rolling my eyes right now – amazing my ass!). Then they cheat and leave you there to catch some of their own. Now that is something I could never get tired of watching! But come back… come back! (I know you feel me here)

You tell them they are awesome and they’ll be like:

No, you are awesome! well that’s only half of lie. We could be awesome together, you know? Now this goes in a very cheesy direction… but if you really wanna hear a cheesy thing, I have decided to named my kid after one of the surfers I met this week. I am serious. He won a spot into my heart. And he only lied to me once. But he did it so well I actually believed him. This guy made me realise how silly and incorrect I look on the board and he pushed me so hard and couldn’t even look into his eyes after I gloriously crashed a moment later. Later on, when I made him smile a bit, I could picture how our kids would look like :))

Surfers are liars, I am telling you.

You tell them they are hot and they will be like:

No, no, why would you say so?

Uhm, I have eyes!? 10411310_10207235755145226_875753682624577747_n

Don’t go to Surfers Camp. They be walking all day naked and flashing their perfectly tanned bodies without even caring your heart might be sensitive. You’re gonna wake up at 7am and breakfast will be served by some Adonis who will open your mouth instantly. You’re gonna go to the beach together with dozens of people all over the world who probably have batter stories than yours and do some warming up that makes you subscribe to gym.

After one day all your muscles are sore as fuck and you start regretting all those hours on the couch watching Netflix instead of working out your ass. That’s it! I am gonna be the next squat queen! BS! If only I would have them every morning taking me to the beach and making me do the Christmas Birthday positions on the sand… ah! Imagine Chris Hemsworth doing it (with) to you. Cuz that’s how my instructor looked like! I called him Thor. Damn, that boy! I almost cried when he said goodbye. From all the teachers I had in my life, he’s the one I am gonna miss the most! 😦

Surfers would smile, love and disappear in deep waters and do magic tricks on their boars. The other day I was riding my board when one of them caught me and while we were on the same wave he asked me to jump on his board.

What?! Are you flirting with me? Oh my lord, is he asking me OUT of my comfort zone?!

NO! YOU jump on my board! I screamed confident as fuck (like I am super busy and can’t be bothered to have more contact with the surfer of the week chosen by female campers)

2 seconds later he was on my board. But then he probably sensed my intentions and went back into the sea. I rode the wave till the beach and felt exactly after best the best one night stand. Well, probably more like Ariel when she got legs – shaking as hell J))

That was my highlight and my …first time. Ha! Not a surfing virgin anymore. Got one of them on my board! Pam pam!

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Surf Camp was absolutely the best thing I did in Australia! Waking up at 7 am every morning to see a team of professional surfers treating you like you’re the next team member can totally make you forget about the bed and whatever you did last night.

One day I will live somewhere on the beach where the wwt are peerrrrrrfeeect for surfing and all my neighbors would surf, eat sleep repeat. And my baby surfer boy would learn. 😀

It’s sad when you get attached to people you might never see them again. I fell in love every single day and I will do it all over again. One day I will live somewhere on the beach where the wwt are peerrrrrrfeeect for surfing and all my neighbors would surf, eat sleep repeat. And my baby surfer boy would learn.

Now you know. Surfers are not only fit, talented and fun. They lie too. They’ll make you love them to the end of wave and back. Infinite times. They will tell you see you later, but if the waves call them, prepare to miss them! Ah, dem surfers!!! ❤

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at least 10 reasons y I love it down here

You’ve been asking me how am I doing and how this land is like. I am just taking a moment now from my flimsy routine to tell you that…

I am loving it!!!

I don’t remember the last time I was this happy and thrilled! I guess the Universe is playing fair. After years of struggles and grey skies, finally I see some bright lights. I am glooming and blooming every day down here! I love everything! from the beautiful apartment where I dance naked almost every morning, to every single skyscraper, street, cafe or smiling person I see. Life is good. I feel free, safe, loved (cuz I am doing it) and …home! 🙂

I am not an easily pleased person and I am not saying I am not coming back, but this is truly my place!

GOOD TIMES!

I am doing good. I still have some money left, I am relaxed, trying to live in the moment and not thinking too much, I am comfortable, meeting new people and doing stuff I have never done before!

It’s beautiful. ❤  It’s peaceful and it’s simply perfect for me. I am grateful and still amazed that I am here! Here’s why:

  1. It’s sunny and I can wear shorts and flops anytime
  2. People don’t give a damn aka very laid back
  3. No spiders or snakes at 26th floor
  4. Best coffee in the world
  5. Walking distance to a great cafe/restaurant from anywhere you are in the city
  6. Huge windows so you can mirror yourself or see the rest of the world clearly
  7. I wake up and go to sleep by looking at my window and saying DAMN, this is soooo good!
  8. A European girl like me (who’s a 7/8 back home in the hot people’s land like Dk) can be easily a 10 down here
  9. I am literally in the longest vacation of my life! It’s been 2 months and I don’t feel like ever going back!
  10. I love myself.

I hope you’re doing well. Some of you look really great on Snapchat and Facebook. So stay good!

With love,

Vio

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PS: I had a nice convo with a lady in a shop today:

lady: Any plans for the long weekend?

me: yes, I am going to Sydney. I have never been to Sydney…

lady: Yeah! Me neither!! 😉

me: … [smile cuz she’s just being sarcastic]

#gottalovedemozzie  😀