The Cheesiest Kiss

A few weeks ago, around 2:00 am, on the way from one bar to another, I stopped on the side of the street to talk to some strangers that seem like nice people. What are you guys doing tonight?
Among them, there was one boy that wasn’t scared of me. Well, he was quite drunk, and unaware of what he’s getting himself into.
What’s your name? I asked him.
When he told me his name was just as my Teddy Bear’s, I was l like awww that is too cute. I bet I am as huggable as your Teddy Bear. 🐻 I knew right there he’s not just a flirt, he also needs affection and, luckily, I like hugging people. The hug was long and honest. He smiled when our bodies separated and he leaned to my face to kiss me. And there I was, in the middle of the night, hugging a stranger and having two seconds to think my next step:
‘Ok, this is a complete stranger whom I can’t even tell if he’s hot or not, why should I kiss him? Think fast! Well, I wanted to kiss someone cute tonight, and none of the other guys got me in this weird but sweet situation. And he is indeed as huggable as my Teddy Bear! I will just kiss him and go!’ So I did.
Yes, I think that much and that fast per second and that is how I take most decisions in my life. No offense taken.
The kissing was really adorable. He just interrupted to tell me I am a good kisser and then we kept kissing like teenagers. I took the compliment well and paid it back nicely. Yes, I can be nice too.
Few minutes of good kissing went and my friends were already taking pictures of us and giggling about it. I won’t add it here as I trust you trust me it did happened. They say I kiss like in the movies and the pics are fun too. The paparazzi thing stopped our kissing and then we tried to exchange Instagram accounts, because yes, that’s what cool kids do these days. He said he will text me when he gets to the club we were all heading. He never texted me (although he did come to the club). I was a bit sad… But not as sad as the day after when I realized he did not even follow me back on Instagram. 💁🏻
I texted him. I mean give me a break, I was bored, curious and hungover that Sunday. Isn’t that what you would do? (probably not)
Why aren’t you following me back? I asked being original af.
He’s like I am at some event.
Fine, you don’t need to, I was just curious if you wanna keep in touch.  I thought I was funny but he didn’t laugh.
Yes, could be fun, he said.
Meh. Could be fun?! Are you kidding me, boy? Oh man, I am dealing with these boys forever and I am still surprised?!
But hey, people say I give up easily, so this time I didn’t! I told myself, he was super sweet and such a good kisser. So we texted a few times and also set a date. Coffee on next Sunday. Next Sunday came and he had a family thing so he canceled. Fine. Family comes first. Another week passed, another Sunday coffee date was set and he canceled again. I mean 2 weeks and 2 dates being canceled by this teddy-bear-name guy who promised me good coffee and a hand with my IKEA closet. I gave up. Sorry peeps, I tried.  But then another week went by and I got tired of seeing my Ikea closet unassembled so I texted him saying, ‘Hey, I know this sounds weird, but I really need someone to help me with my closet. We are neighbors anyways, so if you ever have time, just come over and help me. If not, it’s completely fine. 🙂
He said Ok and on the 3rd Sunday, he came. It took him like 5 minutes to fix my closet and that was pretty impressive. But I am over him today. So when he tried to kiss me again, I told him: Dude, I really wanted to see you again and you canceled me 2 Sundays. You kinda broke a piece of my heart. (Well I meant my ego, but that’s another talk). Did anyone break your heart? 
And there it was. The story of his girlfriend who is a nice girl with a lot of issues that decided to leave this sweet handyman to fix herself. I loved his story. It was honest, simple and sad. He was sad. I told him I would like to be remembered as a nice girl in many people’s minds and then he tried to kiss me. And there I was again in the arms of the same cute stranger from the street with only 2 seconds to think. Well you probably know what I did, right? I wanted to be nice. And I was for like 2 seconds. So I kissed him back. And that was cheesy as fuck – probably the cheesiest kiss I ever had – because this guy just had a four cheese pizza!!! Four!
I mean, don’t get me wrong, as much as I like a good story and cheese itself, I cannot taste it during a kiss.
That was all. I thanked him for fixing my closet, he thanked me for being mean and then he left.
Hope this brought a smile on your face and will make you think of kissing next time you have cheese 🙂
xx

a series of unfortunate events #1

 I do not have a boyfriend, but I know a handful of guys who are mad at me for saying that. I can also hear those thinking ”I wonder why!’.
Well, sawry…
Dating is a complex concept for mating that human beings use in order to develop relationships that ideally are meant to last longer than in reality. And for fun. Period.
My recent personal problems revealed my most unsociable feature as I never found myself in: being antisocial, aka impossible to date. But hey, check this out. I am still present in people’s calendars.
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I still say yes to people. For example this screenshot is the proof that someone got a go from me a couple of weeks ago to ask me out. When he asked me when I am available I said, like any other Dane in about two weeks, on Tuesday, the 15th of May evening. Because I also added it in my calendar (after he kindly sent this snippet to me), today I was actually waiting any moment to get that invitation or the details. Now, at 9pm after stopping the snooze and getting really lazy, I lost hope. I honestly lost hope in all men out there now – at least those I’ve met so far. And I just came back from Italy. I know.
Italy was really fun though. Been asked to marriage before even going out! I believe we are going back to the old school ways of dating and relationships and I am actually more excited about trying that than waiting for this guy to call me.
Well, that was all for today, folks. Nothing else exciting in my dating life. Except that the other day I went on a second date with a tinder kiwi guy whom I met a year ago and I literally told him not to dare to kiss me (like I was made of porcelain or something – dad would be proud). Also, a French tourist whom I met last weekend suggested we should kiss. And I was quite confused and surprised because he actually told me he’s looking for a husband… I said no, of course, I am not that kind of man! But then we figured out his English was way poorer than his taste for women.
Oh, and I think I got the worst crush ever. So bad I can’t even tell you about. I talked to the kiwi tinder guy about it and then he thanked me for not letting him kiss me. No, I am joking!! Haha, he just said women are stupid! 😛
Ok, good night.
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waiting for that ONE guy to ask me out!
PS: if the guy having this event on his calendar today sees this, please come up with the best excuse ever. Like you died or something like that! 😀
PPS: the title is really reflecting my latest series of unfortunate events with my housing, family, friends, boyfriends, but this one is the least worst of them.
Stay tunned.

Let’s talk about bad sex, baby!

Men think bad sex is when their partner is boring. Women describe “bad sex” when they experience emotional discomfort or, more often, physical pain.

We live in a world where little girls are told they are pretty and grow up believing that this is what their social value resides in. We also live in a culture that sees the man’s pleasure as a right and the woman’s pain as normal.

As a girl, the first thing you hear about losing your virginity is that it is painful and that is normal! Uhm… breaking news, peeps! That is not true if don’t want it to be! Create your own story and take control, baby! You can plan for the perfect first night and lose that status or chastity in the most beautiful way. You will always have high standards after that happens but is worth it. Trust me, been there, done that! 😉

To be a good looking girl may be a pain in the ass (also literally in some countries). Mostly because girls are subconsciously looking for other people to take pleasure in their looks as a reward. This is cultural and historical. Because they are raised to believe that what others think of them is more real than what they actually think of themselves. Taking pleasure in other people’s pleasure is not negative, as long as you don’t alter yourself.

Women offer pleasure in return for a high social status, for not being cheated on, for not knowing how to respect their bodies. I am extremely tired of games, plays and facades that people play in order to get a partner. When it comes to relationships, people say:

“Be less yourself! Only show them your good side.”
“Don’t show your true face until after the wedding!”
“You never tell them how you really feel.”

Oh. My. God. This is tiring. Annoying. Betraying. A waste of time and people. I do not accept to believe that deceiving someone just to get them to commit to you is anyhow respectful. I consider it a betrayal and a waste of time for both parties.

But how is this connected to bad sex, you ask?
People match professionally, financially, physically or/and unworldly. I believe this is also the right order. Sex can be good only if you learn it together and grow both in the same direction. Or if you simply match unearthly in bed – which is the best sex I am gonna tell you all about another time. Bad sex is when the transcendent one is missing completely and you don’t cry of pleasure, but of disgust with yourself. Bad sex is caused by one partner treating the other one as a human doll for fapping. When there is no emotional connection, no fantasy including both of you, the other one will feel used. And it’s especially the female part of the couple who will feel that. Here is an inspiring article about the female price of male’s pleasure.

Bad sex is when you’re both good looking, match the age, the social status, the humour, the interests, but there are no butterflies, no trembles or anyone smiling and humming. You know those mechanical moves and positions you’ve seen in porn? Well, that’s just accompanied masturbation. Not gonna call it bad sex when both parties just wanna fuck, but when one is having feelings and the other one doesn’t, the aftermath is just terrible. Days of overthinking, tons of stupid messages, endless frustrations and bad next move plans. That is another pain human female or male can feel after having bad sex.
Communication. Communication. Comm… oh, and no expectations, but just passion. Those are the keys. Develop a passion for love and there will not be any bad sex left because you gonna let your body in the hands of the one you love. And if you love truly and unconditionally, you won’t have time to think about expectations and disappointments because you gonna be too high in love and probably delusional. 😀  But then again, the match will be unworldly. ❤️

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Don’t Talk About Sex During Dinner

Our generation has less sex than our grandparents’ and that’s because we can talk about it more than we will ever put in practice.

I never talked to my parents about sex. I barely talked about sex with anybody until I was far away from home and anyone who could judge me. During all this time of having a tabu subject, I established rules, fantasies, and principles. All for myself and the ones involved.

Time has passed and from amazing experiences to frustrations and relationships, I have slightly …changed. My rules found their exceptions. My fantasies found their reality and my principles got outdated. A few years ago I even asked my grandma when was the last time she and my beloved grandfather …banged. She laughed as that would be the very last question from me, but a very welcomed one from a friend.

– Four years ago, she whispered it.

She was in her seventies back then.

The other night I was at a dinner table with friends of friends and was making conversation with this guy next to me who I barely knew. After some small talk and a big glass of wine, he says very nonchalantly:

– I miss sex!

Oh, wow! Someone in my shoes, I immediately thought. I have to admit I was happy to hear him saying that. Suddenly I felt less alone on this planet. Someone else has as less sex as I am. The discussion escalated in describing times when he was having sex three times per day on the balcony, in the kitchen, or outside his building. Now he’s having a distance relationship and forced to wait for that time of the month…

– Oh, you know what I love doing? Oh, my God, I cannot tell you this…

– Tell me now!

Disclaimer: I wish I could’ve recorded his exact words because it was short, simple and on point: the way he would tease the girl so bad by ripping off her panties and leave. To the store or somewhere she could not see or touch him. Just for ten minutes. And by the time he would be back, she’ll be all over him. Mission accomplished!

Damn, boy! you’re good. Yes, he was a simple cute boy, and yes, I can relate plenty of girls would love a for-play like that. He asked me what sexy things I’ve done, what I would do and what do I like. I answered with the same nonchalance.

– I bet your birthday is in springtime, he commented afterwards.

– How do you know??!

– Because all the girls I had something with were born in spring.

I didn’t say anything more. I just backed off politely and pretended everything is normal. Problem is I can’t stop thinking how good that food was while having that conversation. But maybe was just the restaurant, right?

However, don’t do it at home, and especially not outside. You will get horny af and the next day at the office you will be extremely unproductive. 🙈

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#foodporn

 

Is the Season to Be Rejected

After opening up about my current emotional level, my psychiatrist concluded:
“Oh, that’s sad!”
“Well, why do you think I am here (bitch)?! I asked her rhetorically and politely leaving the last word out.
The whole psychiatrist session lasted about fifteen minutes including the hello’s and “best of luck” wishes. She basically fired me by recommending I should see a therapist who can deal with my emotions.
Fair enough. Good thing I have lots of therapeutical friends who don’t charge as much as degree holders in this country.
“You need a boyfriend!” The psychiatrist added.
“No, I don’t! I kinda decided that like five minutes ago when we both agree I have issues. Like who wants an emotionally unstable person?”
“Ok. You’re not sick. You just live in Denmark.” That’s what my therapeutical friends told me.
Let’s recap why I need to tell my real therapist:
The last guy I dated ghosted the fuck out of me after our second date. And I actually liked him…
My roomie just wrote an official paper where it says I have to move out. And I thought he’s my bestie…
My former office crush completely ignored me the night we supposed to hook up. And hit on some other girl…
A bunch of Danish guys whom I spent the last New Years said there is no more room for me this year. And I thought we are friends…
I mean, seriously?! How much more one can take? Like is not enough that the sun goes down before five pm, that it’s fucking freezing and there is no snow in Copenhagen, or that I am not going home for Christmas, but everything else. Oh, man, I wish Santa Claus was real… I think some good presents will heal all these broken pieces of my heart.
rejected

And now, don’t worry, I know what my therapist will say:

The greatest damage rejection causes is usually self-inflicted. Just when our self-esteem is hurting most, we go and damage it even further.

Rejection feels like physical pain and Paracetamol is the cure for it. I know. And I also know that Rejection lowers your IQ. Yes, temporarily, but since I get it a lot… just don’t be surprised I act stupid. 🙃☺️🤡💃🏻

 

xoxo

How I said NO to my future husband

It was a risky move, I admit, and is not that every day comes along with a flawless British man asking me to ask him to marry me. Yes, he actually made me say it so he could play the game a little bit differently. 🙂 Cheeky, right?

The story is not that long. We met last night at a great house party where we both knew very little the crowd. We didn’t notice each other till hours later and he was friends with the guy I was going for. So I had the hots for this German/Irish speaking dude who was way more charismatic than any German I have ever met. Even now, years later, I still roll my eyes thinking about all the German guys I’ve met and dated. They are just not working for me… 😛

Ok, back to my husband from the title. When I noticed him he was right next to me at the bar – yes, the house party had a private bar with real bartenders and it was awesome! – I asked myself, how didn’t I notice him earlier tonight? He seemed really in place: six-foot tall British guy, stylish, a bit too serious for a house party, a combo of a businessman and a hipster, age fit, good smile and quite the observant type. My mom would absolutely adore him!

Since nobody was asking anything interesting after they helped me pick my cocktail, I just felt the perfect moment to engage in a serious conversation:

-Guys, I have a really serious question for you. Can you tell when a girl has a crush on you?

-Well, that is a really good question, the tall Brit said.

-Thank you! I added politely.

We all had a laugh when he said that men can tell girls like them when it’s obvious. Moving on…

-I guess you can tell by the signs. For example, the eyes can’t lie, the funny Brit continued.

When he said that, he was looking really careful into my eyes, so I couldn’t help but flash my eyelashes in a very obvious way to keep the fun tone alive. Yet, he took it as literally as the most obvious sign I am into him.

-So, for a scale of 1 to 10, how much I like you tonight? I asked keepeing my eyelashes dancing and lips zipping from the Moscow Mule.

-10! he said being dead serious.

Oh, wow, I am obvious as fuck! so obvious I can’t even joke about. I am still confused though. I am not into him, though he thinks I am. How can I be into him already? and how can that forced eyelashes game can work?  Oh… that British humor.

But then, my real crush was right next to me assisting quiet and smiley.

-What do you think, mister? I asked him with in a perfect time to get away from the awkward moment where I was exposed as a complete in-love girl with a man I met 7 minutes before, and to find out the truth. How much do you think I am into you?

-Well, usually, girls tell me they like me better than my friend here. But that’s just what they tell me…

Ok, he didn’t embarrass any of us with a stupid scale number which I shouldn’t ask like that if I don’t like the answer, right? But then again, it was the first way to figure out the phenomenon I am interested in now. A few days ago, a wise man told me that guys always know when you like them! they know before you like them! How is that possible?? Such a paradox and such a good topic to explore in-depth. Another guy joined the conversation and they all admitted it’s hard to tell for sure when girls have crushes. But then again, there are too many types of men. And some make you like them just because they think you like them. And then you think the whole day about them and write a blog post. Ah, can anyone give me some spine here?

I slowly moved to another group of people and join a conversation that allowed me to process the new information. After they chatted a bit – probably on deciding on who’s gonna go after me – the confident Brit came and stole my attention with some catchy lines in my mother tongue.

-How do you say I love you in your language? he continued.

-Te iubesc, I answered.

He kept staring at me and smiling in a very intimidating way. I didn’t stare back.

-How do you say marry me?

-Vrei sa fii sotia mea?

-Not yet, darling. I don’t think I am ready for it now…

-No worries, darling. I am not looking for a wife anyway.

The condescending Brit was put down a bit and turned silent while I turned to his way hotter friend whom I think gave up on me the moment his friend fell in love. He probably realized I am actually into him and the game was over.

-Sometimes is just about the hunting game, he said.

-I agree. I must day, answering with that “10” was a bold move of your friend. For some it might seem a cocky and silly answer, but for others it might bring a really pleasant effect.

Soon after, I went home without anything but a slight regret I had a wrong strategy. Why did I want the redshirt German Irish speaking bloke – whom I knew from the beginning he’d be only a one night stand – over Mr. Britside who looked definitely husband material? 🙂 

Sorry, mom. Maybe next time 😉

 

PS: this is my funny version of the real events happening last night. I bet some of the guests there will read this entry and could have extra info. They are all expected in my inbox. For example, these guys’ names. 😅 I just realized I didn’t even get their names

29 everyday things that are incredibly Unsexy

  1. When they don’t text back
  2. When they say “nobody asked you to do that” extra chore
  3. When you get up early and they don’t even eat breakfast
  4. When they are wearing their home clothes but they smell bad
  5. When their dishes have leftovers on for days and they are somewhere else but the kitchen sink
  6. When you get flowers from your ex who is still not over you
  7. When you can tell there is nothing interesting about what they are saying
  8. When they don’t know your age and act like you are too young
  9. When they don’t know your age and act like you are too old
  10. When they put you on their backup list
  11. When they are too macho and too cool to treat you like a lady
  12. When they don’t remember to put the toilet seat down
  13. When you are flirting with someone and they ruin it because they can’t even tell
  14. When they don’t wanna meet your friends
  15. When they are afraid to show you affection or to tell you they love you
  16. When they are acting cold with you around their friends not to show them that they like you
  17. When you wake up freezing and they have all the blanket
  18. When you get to the restaurant 10 minutes later and they haven’t even ordered water
  19. When they laugh or sigh judgmentally at your Netflix list
  20. When they call you “bro” or “sister” after you slept together
  21. When they tell you they have been with other people while you were dating
  22. When they call you “sweetie” the day you introduce them to your fam
  23. When they can’t look into your eyes
  24. When they can never tell what you’re gonna say
  25. When they introduce you as “my friend” every single time
  26. When they don’t even read the articles you recommended
  27. When they make bad puns about things you care about
  28. When they don’t even remember their promises to you
  29. When they are just trying to be polite because they have no imagination on how to make a good conversation