I asked him if he ever loved me. 

What a strange question, he said.

Please indulge me, I insisted.

I am.

You what?

I love you. It doesn’t stop just because we can’t be together.

Awwww. Wish you could’ve said that four years ago – it would’ve spared me from a lot of breakdowns and shitty decisions!

Shitty decisions are important too.

You are right. Well, thank you!


 

*Kids, this is not how I met your father.

 

The Jigsaw Puzzle

We’re being spoiled with choice. There are 7,6 Billion people out there and we stick to the one we’ve met in college. Because of commitment, because of history, because of comfort and because of the fears and the demons screaming: what if you won’t find anyone as nice and supporting? Who else would accept all your flaws so easily? Whose parents will be so loving? What about your friends? What about awkwardness? Fucking dating apps! ugh… that heavy bunch of rocks in the back of your mind, in your stomach and all the alcohol they are floating on…
– It’s fucking insane. I am stuck!
– You can’t imagine a world without it, don’t you?
– Well… it’s intense.
– Take the leap!
– To what?
– You know it better.
Not being tight to someone’s hip all the time increases the level of curiosity, desire, and attraction. Distance and differences in hobbies are the secrets of creating the erotic energy in a relationship between us and the one we love. Esther Perel adds that this energy is built in that gap between you and your partner and your desire to close it and to be intimate.  Perel and other specialists (including my current self) believe that the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.
But we wait. For people to take actions, to fulfill our exceptions and our illusions. The wait is an animal fed with ideas of someone to come or to leave. SPOILER ALERT: They won’t. But you sit there and you wait, waiting for an excuse to get out, just waiting for them to do something unforgivable for u to have a good reason to break up with them. But they won’t do that. So u have to lower your standards for what unforgivable is. So you start with ‘if they are cheating on me that is perfect’ but time goes by and there is not even a slight chance for that to happen. That’s when you get to the bottom unforgivable leaving the seat on or slurping one decibel louder than ever! BAM!
My male Irish comedian version and devastatingly intelligent Daniel Sloss is asking us: have you ever felt being trapped in a relationship where basically it feels like someone is dying but nobody is actually dying, but you secretly wait for that – because that is the best ultimate reason to be free from someone you love less than u used to? If the answer is yes… then let go. Take the leap. Create that distance relationship experts are discussing to be the liaison between two people who want to be together.
– I took the leap! I know it’s the right thing. Feels like shit though.
– Listen. You’re an incredibly beautiful and lovely human. That one doesn’t deserve your attention and affection. You’re a remarkable person and it’s so important to be brave and put yourself out there and do what you did. So I am going to ask you to promise me that this won’t stop you doing the same thing in the future. The world needs more people like you. x
In less than a week, Sloss got a record of breaking up over 4,000 couples right after his Jigsaw Netflix Special got released. Please go watch it and get back to me with some mean feedback!
Make me smile!
img_2751
this could be us, but we love to play hide and seek

September Issues

I’ve never met David Bowie, but he once said aging is an extraordinary process whereby you become the person you always should have been. My stomach twirls every time I think of all the times I’ve hidden under heavy masks of conformity to toe the line the social groups I’ve aim for expected me to.
It’s September now, a few decades later and I don’t want to worry about that. I don’t want to worry about my mistakes. Note to self: let things happen organically. Do not rush the process! Deep breathe now. 👃 I also need to make my friends understand I should not be put on speakerphone. I speak my mind and my personality too loud. Did you know I have a bubbly personality? Well, I didn’t either. I just got endorsed by my manager for it and I want to think it wasn’t sarcastic. 🙄
So… September is here and I am a bit tired after this hot summer. Do you know how hard it is to find someone with a mind just as beautiful as their face? That’s one hard race. And I thought running a marathon is difficult! Speaking of running, I just did my first 5k in public the last day of August and I am so proud I didn’t die I will set more running goals for me. Yas, I know, I am getting cooler. I also want bigger boobs, but let’s save that for winter, ok? ( Dear Santa…✍️)
Summer is gone – winter is coming – I kissed some hot boys and then heard them crying (or seeing them run back to their exes). I don’t really get why. My philosophy is if it doesn’t hurt a bit then what’s the point of playing with fire? And you know that is my element. You also think I am a player, don’t ya? Well, let me tell you something, young lady (or boy)! I actually grew up with Disney movies and I am a grown hopeless romantic. I hope to fall in love with someone who never stops choosing me, someone I feel at home whenever I look at them. (Dear Santa, one more thing…✍️) I am not using sarcasm as a defense mechanism and I am not avoiding my feelings with dark humor. Seriously, I am not.
They say the smarter you get the less you speak. Well then, that’s my queue. Have a great week ahead, you brave and bored reader! Sorry that your job sucks that much you have time to read this. But hey, I do appreciate it.
Muah!
xx
IMG_3751

The Cheesiest Kiss

A few weeks ago, around 2:00 am, on the way from one bar to another, I stopped on the side of the street to talk to some strangers that seem like nice people. What are you guys doing tonight?
Among them, there was one boy that wasn’t scared of me. Well, he was quite drunk, and unaware of what he’s getting himself into.
What’s your name? I asked him.
When he told me his name was just as my Teddy Bear’s, I was l like awww that is too cute. I bet I am as huggable as your Teddy Bear. 🐻 I knew right there he’s not just a flirt, he also needs affection and, luckily, I like hugging people. The hug was long and honest. He smiled when our bodies separated and he leaned to my face to kiss me. And there I was, in the middle of the night, hugging a stranger and having two seconds to think my next step:
‘Ok, this is a complete stranger whom I can’t even tell if he’s hot or not, why should I kiss him? Think fast! Well, I wanted to kiss someone cute tonight, and none of the other guys got me in this weird but sweet situation. And he is indeed as huggable as my Teddy Bear! I will just kiss him and go!’ So I did.
Yes, I think that much and that fast per second and that is how I take most decisions in my life. No offense taken.
The kissing was really adorable. He just interrupted to tell me I am a good kisser and then we kept kissing like teenagers. I took the compliment well and paid it back nicely. Yes, I can be nice too.
Few minutes of good kissing went and my friends were already taking pictures of us and giggling about it. I won’t add it here as I trust you trust me it did happened. They say I kiss like in the movies and the pics are fun too. The paparazzi thing stopped our kissing and then we tried to exchange Instagram accounts, because yes, that’s what cool kids do these days. He said he will text me when he gets to the club we were all heading. He never texted me (although he did come to the club). I was a bit sad… But not as sad as the day after when I realized he did not even follow me back on Instagram. 💁🏻
I texted him. I mean give me a break, I was bored, curious and hungover that Sunday. Isn’t that what you would do? (probably not)
Why aren’t you following me back? I asked being original af.
He’s like I am at some event.
Fine, you don’t need to, I was just curious if you wanna keep in touch.  I thought I was funny but he didn’t laugh.
Yes, could be fun, he said.
Meh. Could be fun?! Are you kidding me, boy? Oh man, I am dealing with these boys forever and I am still surprised?!
But hey, people say I give up easily, so this time I didn’t! I told myself, he was super sweet and such a good kisser. So we texted a few times and also set a date. Coffee on next Sunday. Next Sunday came and he had a family thing so he canceled. Fine. Family comes first. Another week passed, another Sunday coffee date was set and he canceled again. I mean 2 weeks and 2 dates being canceled by this teddy-bear-name guy who promised me good coffee and a hand with my IKEA closet. I gave up. Sorry peeps, I tried.  But then another week went by and I got tired of seeing my Ikea closet unassembled so I texted him saying, ‘Hey, I know this sounds weird, but I really need someone to help me with my closet. We are neighbors anyways, so if you ever have time, just come over and help me. If not, it’s completely fine. 🙂
He said Ok and on the 3rd Sunday, he came. It took him like 5 minutes to fix my closet and that was pretty impressive. But I am over him today. So when he tried to kiss me again, I told him: Dude, I really wanted to see you again and you canceled me 2 Sundays. You kinda broke a piece of my heart. (Well I meant my ego, but that’s another talk). Did anyone break your heart? 
And there it was. The story of his girlfriend who is a nice girl with a lot of issues that decided to leave this sweet handyman to fix herself. I loved his story. It was honest, simple and sad. He was sad. I told him I would like to be remembered as a nice girl in many people’s minds and then he tried to kiss me. And there I was again in the arms of the same cute stranger from the street with only 2 seconds to think. Well you probably know what I did, right? I wanted to be nice. And I was for like 2 seconds. So I kissed him back. And that was cheesy as fuck – probably the cheesiest kiss I ever had – because this guy just had a four cheese pizza!!! Four!
I mean, don’t get me wrong, as much as I like a good story and cheese itself, I cannot taste it during a kiss.
That was all. I thanked him for fixing my closet, he thanked me for being mean and then he left.
Hope this brought a smile on your face and will make you think of kissing next time you have cheese 🙂
xx

JUST ASK ME

If you ever wonder what is my first name, just ask me.
If you ever wonder how life has been before we met, just ask me.
However, don’t just ask me for the sake of asking me.
If you ever assume I have issues, don’t do shit with it, just ask me.
If you ever see me in your vicinity, don’t just assume I don’t care or wanna talk to you,
But go ahead and ask me to.
If you want me to stop talking, please, just ask me.
If you wanna know what time is, feel free to ask me.
If I was ever a bitch to you, don’t tell your bestie before you come and ask me.
However, don’t just ask me for the sake of asking me.
If you ever want me to come, to leave, to stop, to start, just try and ask me. This one might be risky good though.
If I bite your lip too hard, just ask me not to.
If I don’t dare to kiss you, please do not just ask me to. You could ask me why though.
If I am being strangely polite to you, you must’ve done something meh or awfully good.
Don’t ask me if you don’t wanna know, but do ask me if you wanna be polite too.
When you eat and I am around, do not just eat without asking me!
If you think I am Joey, please just ask me. I might or might not be.
If I have food and don’t ask you, please feel free to ask me.
I am easy, just ask me and you will see.
However, don’t just ask me for the sake of asking me.
Food, red, candy or a lovemaking scene – will always be my favorite things you could ask me.
To take, to join you, to taste, to be.
However, don’t just ask me for the sake of asking me.
17796138_1282089941827944_4836093490101460912_n
If you wanna marry me, go ahead and ask my mom.
Pam. pam.
If just ask me, this is the end of story.

a series of unfortunate events #1

 I do not have a boyfriend, but I know a handful of guys who are mad at me for saying that. I can also hear those thinking ”I wonder why!’.
Well, sawry…
Dating is a complex concept for mating that human beings use in order to develop relationships that ideally are meant to last longer than in reality. And for fun. Period.
My recent personal problems revealed my most unsociable feature as I never found myself in: being antisocial, aka impossible to date. But hey, check this out. I am still present in people’s calendars.
EB51D3DB-188D-4B3C-BC8C-E0041A741448
I still say yes to people. For example this screenshot is the proof that someone got a go from me a couple of weeks ago to ask me out. When he asked me when I am available I said, like any other Dane in about two weeks, on Tuesday, the 15th of May evening. Because I also added it in my calendar (after he kindly sent this snippet to me), today I was actually waiting any moment to get that invitation or the details. Now, at 9pm after stopping the snooze and getting really lazy, I lost hope. I honestly lost hope in all men out there now – at least those I’ve met so far. And I just came back from Italy. I know.
Italy was really fun though. Been asked to marriage before even going out! I believe we are going back to the old school ways of dating and relationships and I am actually more excited about trying that than waiting for this guy to call me.
Well, that was all for today, folks. Nothing else exciting in my dating life. Except that the other day I went on a second date with a tinder kiwi guy whom I met a year ago and I literally told him not to dare to kiss me (like I was made of porcelain or something – dad would be proud). Also, a French tourist whom I met last weekend suggested we should kiss. And I was quite confused and surprised because he actually told me he’s looking for a husband… I said no, of course, I am not that kind of man! But then we figured out his English was way poorer than his taste for women.
Oh, and I think I got the worst crush ever. So bad I can’t even tell you about. I talked to the kiwi tinder guy about it and then he thanked me for not letting him kiss me. No, I am joking!! Haha, he just said women are stupid! 😛
Ok, good night.
IMG_2382
waiting for that ONE guy to ask me out!
PS: if the guy having this event on his calendar today sees this, please come up with the best excuse ever. Like you died or something like that! 😀
PPS: the title is really reflecting my latest series of unfortunate events with my housing, family, friends, boyfriends, but this one is the least worst of them.
Stay tunned.

The Way We Meet

You are really something. The things you’ve done, the places you’ve been, the people you’ve met… oh boy, the memories you’ve collected! You’ve been a nomad, a traveler, an Amazon, a rider, a storyteller. People tell you that you are ballsy, self-confident, courageous, daring…

But then you are also insecure, emotional, needy, dramatic and so on and so forth. Probably another reason you’ve been on Tinder or Inner Circle – the latest dating app I discovered while being too lazy to bike in this cold weather to any public place.

There are two types of people on dating apps: the ones who dedicate to one or two profiles at once and the ones who check other profiles while waiting for your replies having a constant fear of missing out. The first ones end up dating one of the profiles and ghosting – probably very politely – the other one. The second ones are hunters, restless, passionate, curious, nomads, people who have been living some shit, been heartbroken, rejected, ghosted and loved so many times they basically don’t give a fuck. Well not until their right buttons are triggered.

Swiping on the app your mind goes like:

Too serious.  Bad photo, dude.  Ugh.  Too pretty. And nothing else.  Weird. Too hippie.  Too short.  Too much of a close-up!!!  Too much! Too easy! Too sad.  Too old.  Ugly … those teeth!  Fat. Unconscious of himself. Arrogant. Materialistic… Too many of good old photos and just one recent where you can’t even tell what’s left of his youth. 

I know. We are judgemental. We think we have enough experience to know everything before even talking to each other. It’s a jungle.

No likes, no winks, no woofs, he just breaks the ice after a profile check:

Hey! I must say that I actually prefer your two pictures even more than pictures of pizzas from a menu – and I really love pizza 🙈

Haha, much appreciated! You should see my Snapchat bitmoji, it has my face on a pizza. Well, my head is having a pizza aura… damn, can’t show it here. But you get it.

Well, you are welcome. And that escalated quickly. I am actually not sure if I get it, but here is mine.

Only if you tell me the origin of that name

It’s an alias to my surname. My great-great-grand-dad was Polish.

…3 minutes pass and he freaks out. He says goodbye. 

You don’t want to feel like it was your fault and you engage in what it might be a better ending for a quite ok start of a conversation. You do a little bit of a small talk and hit them with a tricky question. You need their ideas. Make them think. Usually, they will think more about what you want to hear instead of what they would actually think.

Give me more. Give me a story.

Hmm… let’s see. How about a short story about the Crazy Polak from the Inner Circle? 😂 catchy. His urge and need to charm and leave an impression with this girl. 

You’re not impressed. not after having those stories too many times and yet another one wants to start. You roll your eyes. Literally with this emoji: 🙄 This will drag you down. Nobody likes that! He’s politely signing out.

Now, this is your second time pulling him back in. Because it’s weekend and this is the best shot you got to an interesting plot.

But you’re smart. You can do it. And who doesn’t love seeing you put down a bit or pretend you misunderstood his sarcastic tone. Then you are being honest and tell him what was really to blame: another guy texted you.

ok, let’s start over… tell me about that weird text.

Ohay, he obviously likes you for very little things now. He only saw two silly pics of you and forgave two stupid moves… But hey, why not push it a little bit forward and see how he reacts when you are telling him about the last guy you dated?  🙄

– If you’re gonna be weird too I am gonna call it with Polish guys 😂

– I am Danish though…

– Okaaay, fine.

Now you ask him for his phone number. Not because he passed all your texts but you are actually tired of opening this stupid app and want to make it easier for your fingers. If you are too blunt he will not give it to you and asks you why.

– Boy, I sounded bossy.

– Haha, you are bossy indeed. 😂

– I hate this app. It makes me mean. And rude. And it’s hard to text.

– You do seem a bit mean and rude actually…

Damn, you really like messing things up, don’t you? Apologise, God dammit! And be the nice guy – well girl – for once! You can even ask him to help you in that sense. He will say you can definitely find inspiration somewhere else for that. You can take a hint and let it go… you lost.

– A good girl… actually, good girls are often kinda boring 🙄 Nah…I am just trying to figure you out, that’s all. Complexity is a mouthful, but kinda interesting too…

Oh, look at that. He wants to figure you out. Well, let him have a taste. Tell him you will answer three of the most important questions for him to find that out. And you will be 100% honest. He will not ask anything complicated, but things you both know. People want confirmations though.

– Hmm… okay then, first question: You are a bit into yourself, right?

– Easy question. A yes or no one. And having a relative “bit” in it 😃 So yes, I think I am a bit into myself. And not necessarily because of my qualities, but because of 100 other reasons. Mostly my flaws made me look inside. And my failures.

– And you are a dominant creature based on fear of not fitting in?

– Hmmm… I do have the fear of missing out. I think I almost accepted the fact that I don’t always fit in and I shouldn’t struggle much about it.

– You easily get bored and then you seek a fix for an “interesting environment”?

– Yes.

Well done. You are a human to him now. He will like knowing you are a bit insecure, protective and careful. Now, it’s your turn. Show him you want to figure him out. He will say he is honest, sensitive and simple, but he likes complexity. And when he realizes that’s quite a short presentation, he will ask you to ask three questions about himself. You will ask him the following:

1. Who would you save from the end of the world?

2. What age would you prefer to die?

3. How many dates you think we’ll have?

He will be sweet and honest. And then you can open up to him for the last time (or maybe not):

I am actually saddened by the dating these days… How we behave, how we forgot the romance and how we are just being fake polite. We scroll. We check out. We judge. We imagine. We barely dare to talk. We talk random or too personal with all kinds of strangers. We meet. Once a month. Once a week maybe when we get bored and don’t feel like doing the same things. We don’t connect. We don’t even expect to. Because it’s been too long since the last time we did it. And maybe that last one wasn’t even real. Was mostly in our dreamy heads. Then we become so… wild we don’t even know how to behave. So we might pass on real people really easy…We wouldn’t even know.

He gives you his phone number now. You can continue there.

– What do you want? I asked him.

– What do I want? Now that is a huge question… I guess I want to find my future-fantastic-baby-mama…

– I kinda want pizza now… but then is it really worth it? (I feel like most of the people on these dating apps think like this haha).

– Buy a pizza then, easy!

– I am having cake now.

tiramisu.jpg

With someone else…