JUST ASK ME

If you ever wonder what is my first name, just ask me.
If you ever wonder how life has been before we met, just ask me.
However, don’t just ask me for the sake of asking me.
If you ever assume I have issues, don’t do shit with it, just ask me.
If you ever see me in your vicinity, don’t just assume I don’t care or wanna talk to you,
But go ahead and ask me to.
If you want me to stop talking, please, just ask me.
If you wanna know what time is, feel free to ask me.
If I was ever a bitch to you, don’t tell your bestie before you come and ask me.
However, don’t just ask me for the sake of asking me.
If you ever want me to come, to leave, to stop, to start, just try and ask me. This one might be risky good though.
If I bite your lip too hard, just ask me not to.
If I don’t dare to kiss you, please do not just ask me to. You could ask me why though.
If I am being strangely polite to you, you must’ve done something meh or awfully good.
Don’t ask me if you don’t wanna know, but do ask me if you wanna be polite too.
When you eat and I am around, do not just eat without asking me!
If you think I am Joey, please just ask me. I might or might not be.
If I have food and don’t ask you, please feel free to ask me.
I am easy, just ask me and you will see.
However, don’t just ask me for the sake of asking me.
Food, red, candy or a lovemaking scene – will always be my favorite things you could ask me.
To take, to join you, to taste, to be.
However, don’t just ask me for the sake of asking me.
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If you wanna marry me, go ahead and ask my mom.
Pam. pam.
If just ask me, this is the end of story.

a series of unfortunate events #1

 I do not have a boyfriend, but I know a handful of guys who are mad at me for saying that. I can also hear those thinking ”I wonder why!’.
Well, sawry…
Dating is a complex concept for mating that human beings use in order to develop relationships that ideally are meant to last longer than in reality. And for fun. Period.
My recent personal problems revealed my most unsociable feature as I never found myself in: being antisocial, aka impossible to date. But hey, check this out. I am still present in people’s calendars.
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I still say yes to people. For example this screenshot is the proof that someone got a go from me a couple of weeks ago to ask me out. When he asked me when I am available I said, like any other Dane in about two weeks, on Tuesday, the 15th of May evening. Because I also added it in my calendar (after he kindly sent this snippet to me), today I was actually waiting any moment to get that invitation or the details. Now, at 9pm after stopping the snooze and getting really lazy, I lost hope. I honestly lost hope in all men out there now – at least those I’ve met so far. And I just came back from Italy. I know.
Italy was really fun though. Been asked to marriage before even going out! I believe we are going back to the old school ways of dating and relationships and I am actually more excited about trying that than waiting for this guy to call me.
Well, that was all for today, folks. Nothing else exciting in my dating life. Except that the other day I went on a second date with a tinder kiwi guy whom I met a year ago and I literally told him not to dare to kiss me (like I was made of porcelain or something – dad would be proud). Also, a French tourist whom I met last weekend suggested we should kiss. And I was quite confused and surprised because he actually told me he’s looking for a husband… I said no, of course, I am not that kind of man! But then we figured out his English was way poorer than his taste for women.
Oh, and I think I got the worst crush ever. So bad I can’t even tell you about. I talked to the kiwi tinder guy about it and then he thanked me for not letting him kiss me. No, I am joking!! Haha, he just said women are stupid! 😛
Ok, good night.
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waiting for that ONE guy to ask me out!
PS: if the guy having this event on his calendar today sees this, please come up with the best excuse ever. Like you died or something like that! 😀
PPS: the title is really reflecting my latest series of unfortunate events with my housing, family, friends, boyfriends, but this one is the least worst of them.
Stay tunned.

Date Someone Who Will Break Your Heart

You should date someone who treats you like shit and eventually makes you feel the shittiest you’ve ever been.

 

 No, I am not sarcastic. We are all scared. Scared of being rejected, scared of being lied to, cheated on and hurt in ways we could only imagine. Mostly because we’ve seen it in the movies or on our friends who have experienced some shitty “situationships”.

 

If you know me a little bit, you know that my heart was broken. Plenty of times. The first time it happened it was because of my first sweetheart boyfriend. And although it was just a short and cute relationship, the way he forgot about me one night and the rest of that summer still haunts me. I promised myself I will never ever wait for a guy to text me or come back to me after that one. Of course, that promise was broken way too many times, but hey, aren’t we here to learn from our mistakes? I met that boy again four months later and I told him I missed him and been thinking about him. You know what he said?

 

–  And now you’re telling me? Why didn’t you say anything few months ago? I have a girlfriend now.
This is the reason why I don’t wait for guys to text me anymore. Well, I still do, but not for months. Because now I know that if they don’t text it probably means they have a new girl friend on the radar. Trust me, I’ve been testing this theory way too many times.

 

The second guy who broke my heart was… strategic. He put me up so high on a pedestal I felt I can rule the world. For a short while. Then he just let me there to deal with all that. I had no idea what to do but fall. And boy, that hurt as fuck! Six years later he apologized for the ghosting and admitted he was an idiot, but also the fact that I was out of his league and a bit too much for his waters. Fair enough.

 

The third one, and hopefully the last one, broke every single part of my heart in a million pieces. He made sure I felt like he doesn’t care about my needs, my wants, my ambitions, my thoughts because they were never good enough. All my friends and family hated the guts out of him. They still do. And even though deep down I knew he’s an asshole, I always wondered what did I do wrong. I questioned everything and hoped I would be someone else, something more… just to be enough for him to change and love me back. Oh boy, how I blamed myself for his issues and for him treating me like shit.

 

Not only that this guy would make me think he forgot about me every time I didn’t need it to, but he also pushed me so high on some peaks I’ve never been before. And even after climbing all the mountains I could reach for him, I discovered the oceans, learned how to sail, and went exploring lands I could never imagine. Yup, all because one stupid guy. But don’t follow my example. I just have weird taste in men.

 

Don’t worry, eventually, I got my shit together. One day it just didn’t hurt anymore. And ever since, not only that I fucking know how I want to be treated, but also how to deal and live with where I am left on. Make it a pedestal, a mountain peak, in the middle of the ocean or my own bed. I am there already! And I know how to get back. To myself. Always.

 

So date people who break your heart. It will let you know who you are, what you deserve and how to ask for what you want. Moreover, it will get you to meet people who will put back all the pieces of your heart. And when that is complete again, someone else will be attracted and destined to try to break it. Because that’s what people do. They break wholes and fill holes.

 

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When you have no idea what you caused in a girl’s head

 

Funny game, right?
🙂

The Way We Meet

You are really something. The things you’ve done, the places you’ve been, the people you’ve met… oh boy, the memories you’ve collected! You’ve been a nomad, a traveler, an Amazon, a rider, a storyteller. People tell you that you are ballsy, self-confident, courageous, daring…

But then you are also insecure, emotional, needy, dramatic and so on and so forth. Probably another reason you’ve been on Tinder or Inner Circle – the latest dating app I discovered while being too lazy to bike in this cold weather to any public place.

There are two types of people on dating apps: the ones who dedicate to one or two profiles at once and the ones who check other profiles while waiting for your replies having a constant fear of missing out. The first ones end up dating one of the profiles and ghosting – probably very politely – the other one. The second ones are hunters, restless, passionate, curious, nomads, people who have been living some shit, been heartbroken, rejected, ghosted and loved so many times they basically don’t give a fuck. Well not until their right buttons are triggered.

Swiping on the app your mind goes like:

Too serious.  Bad photo, dude.  Ugh.  Too pretty. And nothing else.  Weird. Too hippie.  Too short.  Too much of a close-up!!!  Too much! Too easy! Too sad.  Too old.  Ugly … those teeth!  Fat. Unconscious of himself. Arrogant. Materialistic… Too many of good old photos and just one recent where you can’t even tell what’s left of his youth. 

I know. We are judgemental. We think we have enough experience to know everything before even talking to each other. It’s a jungle.

No likes, no winks, no woofs, he just breaks the ice after a profile check:

Hey! I must say that I actually prefer your two pictures even more than pictures of pizzas from a menu – and I really love pizza 🙈

Haha, much appreciated! You should see my Snapchat bitmoji, it has my face on a pizza. Well, my head is having a pizza aura… damn, can’t show it here. But you get it.

Well, you are welcome. And that escalated quickly. I am actually not sure if I get it, but here is mine.

Only if you tell me the origin of that name

It’s an alias to my surname. My great-great-grand-dad was Polish.

…3 minutes pass and he freaks out. He says goodbye. 

You don’t want to feel like it was your fault and you engage in what it might be a better ending for a quite ok start of a conversation. You do a little bit of a small talk and hit them with a tricky question. You need their ideas. Make them think. Usually, they will think more about what you want to hear instead of what they would actually think.

Give me more. Give me a story.

Hmm… let’s see. How about a short story about the Crazy Polak from the Inner Circle? 😂 catchy. His urge and need to charm and leave an impression with this girl. 

You’re not impressed. not after having those stories too many times and yet another one wants to start. You roll your eyes. Literally with this emoji: 🙄 This will drag you down. Nobody likes that! He’s politely signing out.

Now, this is your second time pulling him back in. Because it’s weekend and this is the best shot you got to an interesting plot.

But you’re smart. You can do it. And who doesn’t love seeing you put down a bit or pretend you misunderstood his sarcastic tone. Then you are being honest and tell him what was really to blame: another guy texted you.

ok, let’s start over… tell me about that weird text.

Ohay, he obviously likes you for very little things now. He only saw two silly pics of you and forgave two stupid moves… But hey, why not push it a little bit forward and see how he reacts when you are telling him about the last guy you dated?  🙄

– If you’re gonna be weird too I am gonna call it with Polish guys 😂

– I am Danish though…

– Okaaay, fine.

Now you ask him for his phone number. Not because he passed all your texts but you are actually tired of opening this stupid app and want to make it easier for your fingers. If you are too blunt he will not give it to you and asks you why.

– Boy, I sounded bossy.

– Haha, you are bossy indeed. 😂

– I hate this app. It makes me mean. And rude. And it’s hard to text.

– You do seem a bit mean and rude actually…

Damn, you really like messing things up, don’t you? Apologise, God dammit! And be the nice guy – well girl – for once! You can even ask him to help you in that sense. He will say you can definitely find inspiration somewhere else for that. You can take a hint and let it go… you lost.

– A good girl… actually, good girls are often kinda boring 🙄 Nah…I am just trying to figure you out, that’s all. Complexity is a mouthful, but kinda interesting too…

Oh, look at that. He wants to figure you out. Well, let him have a taste. Tell him you will answer three of the most important questions for him to find that out. And you will be 100% honest. He will not ask anything complicated, but things you both know. People want confirmations though.

– Hmm… okay then, first question: You are a bit into yourself, right?

– Easy question. A yes or no one. And having a relative “bit” in it 😃 So yes, I think I am a bit into myself. And not necessarily because of my qualities, but because of 100 other reasons. Mostly my flaws made me look inside. And my failures.

– And you are a dominant creature based on fear of not fitting in?

– Hmmm… I do have the fear of missing out. I think I almost accepted the fact that I don’t always fit in and I shouldn’t struggle much about it.

– You easily get bored and then you seek a fix for an “interesting environment”?

– Yes.

Well done. You are a human to him now. He will like knowing you are a bit insecure, protective and careful. Now, it’s your turn. Show him you want to figure him out. He will say he is honest, sensitive and simple, but he likes complexity. And when he realizes that’s quite a short presentation, he will ask you to ask three questions about himself. You will ask him the following:

1. Who would you save from the end of the world?

2. What age would you prefer to die?

3. How many dates you think we’ll have?

He will be sweet and honest. And then you can open up to him for the last time (or maybe not):

I am actually saddened by the dating these days… How we behave, how we forgot the romance and how we are just being fake polite. We scroll. We check out. We judge. We imagine. We barely dare to talk. We talk random or too personal with all kinds of strangers. We meet. Once a month. Once a week maybe when we get bored and don’t feel like doing the same things. We don’t connect. We don’t even expect to. Because it’s been too long since the last time we did it. And maybe that last one wasn’t even real. Was mostly in our dreamy heads. Then we become so… wild we don’t even know how to behave. So we might pass on real people really easy…We wouldn’t even know.

He gives you his phone number now. You can continue there.

– What do you want? I asked him.

– What do I want? Now that is a huge question… I guess I want to find my future-fantastic-baby-mama…

– I kinda want pizza now… but then is it really worth it? (I feel like most of the people on these dating apps think like this haha).

– Buy a pizza then, easy!

– I am having cake now.

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With someone else…

Caress my soul

Sunday I fell in love. I know, I know… I fall in love every day. But this time was with someone on the radio. I’ve been listening to this band before, but never paid any attention nor cared to check it out. But this Sunday something triggered it. Been listening to all their songs, watched all the videos and couldn’t get enough of it. It’s probably my wanderlust, and missing Australia… It got me thinking and dwelling in my memories from my sundry travels down under. I have this memory of a special day in Byron Bay where I met the coolest and friendliest Aussie surfer boys. I remember I was sad about leaving someone when I arrived at Byron, but then this tall dude with a rock/surf/reggae look welcomed me with the most laidback attitude. He looked so newly strange to me I was thinking, oh, he looks so silly with that curly messy loose hair combed back under that silly hat. And he acts so “whatever, dude” about it. You would say he couldn’t care less about his looks, but that pencil mustache of his would just prove you wrong.

So yeah, he made me smile with his looks and all, then he did me a favor and I don’t remember paying any attention to him afterward. For the rest of my life that memory will stay, man. Can you tell I am smiling under my mustache here? hehe

And here I am now. Months and miles away analyzing every bit of that memory and listening to this voice on the radio that makes me live it again and again. I find it so strange… I do, really.

Monday I had the weirdest dream. It was a really sunny day, we were chilling in the land of pleasure. See now is the time when everything was perfect. We would jump around to the sound of music, being high, chewing on our tastes, swimming, and dipping in a summer house’s pool where others would chill having no worries. We would just stare at each other and smile like two kids that have no idea what is this. We took our time, but he took mine. We secluded in that far away place believing that everything was okay.

Next thing I know, we were years away and the whole world was fucked up. We were having the same house, swimming in the same pool but there were seaweeds and we were slower somehow… That was a messy world we would living in. Outside there was no power, no order, no cares about family, kids, friends and strangers. Nothing. There were no straight streets, no locks on doors and no attention. You wouldn’t even feel alive. People would act and feel like objects left aside in a storage room. Yes, there was the sun on the sky, but it was so cold everywhere. You would see babies on the streets freezing their naked bodies and protecting their open bloody wounds. Brrr…

He would look at me with fear and a restless mind saying he hates it when I am away and he’d killed me so I’d stay. Cause he knows I wouldn’t behave. Maybe him and I are a little the same, so what do you think of what we’ve made? 🙂

Babe, even though I only see you on the TV screen,
With all those girls and your toys and your pleasured scream
I’ll easy spend up all this loving for my dream boy
I don’t want to share. Even when it’s quiet, I’ll be thinking about you
I’ll be thinking about you, babe, I’ll be thinking about you.
When you’re with that other girl, I hope you’re thinking about me, I hope you’re thinking bout me, babe.
Cause I’m thinking about you.

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*Thank God for music and talented people who are able to make us feel like this.
Love you, Dylan! ❤
Too bad I didn’t meet you last year 🙂

a 10 minute feature

“You are too old for me. I mean don’t get me wrong, I have always been sexually attracted to you, but I don’t think I can live up to your expectations.”
That’s what he told me last night. At 2 am while I was busy feeling good and getting enough attention, he came by my table to have a little chat.

 Okay…
We met 2 years ago. I always thought he was cute, but with a very young taste – somewhere around 22 years old – that never got us in the same circle. He’s a heartbreaker with a broken heart. So I asked him about sex and expectations – because that’s my way of being diplomatic these days. No, seriously, I am not even sarcastic. Surprisingly, even though we thought it’s only chemistry, there are actually some things we have in common. Like our small brown eyes that love to stare in other irises and our favorite sex position. But that’s about it.

After I elegantly took his unexpected, unwanted and unasked-for rejection, he asked me to dance. That never happen. We could have kissed, but then again he was rude, arrogant and drunk. And I am too old for him.

XoXo

PS: this is just because he always wanted me to write about him 😉

kiss me, you fool

How was your first kiss like? not that one where you woke up on the dancing floor with something that felt like a potato in your mouth. The one after a whole day of chuckles, long walks, wondering conversation and wandering in general, your lips finally met and even the time stopped to stare. The first time you actually felt that strange warmth filling your whole body from head to toes and stops in your knees. That’s when you push yourself deeper into each other’s arms, you grab tight on your faces, blend your hands underneath your clothes, play with with your fingers behind ears and curiously open your eyes now and then… (daaamn, Daniel!)

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The world spins, the players stop singing, the sun goes down and you don’t know it yet, but you just got enamored with… most likely the wrongest person. In the earlier days of college you can easily fall in love with someone just because they are not like anybody you’ve met before and that’s enough.

But it’s just downright silly to try and pick a best time to have a kiss like that, don’t you think so? It’s always a good time to meet someone, get to know each other, fell in love and… well kiss the hell out of there! or stay. Try that emotional maturity and sweetness you struggle hiding all the time and go for it. Show some commitment and bravery. Kiss that one, you fool!

Now, that you finally agree one kiss can mean a million things, I invite you to watch these 9 different adorable situations when a kiss makes absolute sense. After that we can talk about eagerness, shyness, jollity, bravery, silliness, awkwardness, kindness, understanding and passion. Ok?

xx

[can’t believe I have to pay to embed a video on WP?!! this is a no go for me]