The boy loved her writings and wanted to know about who she really is. He wrote her a letter, introduced himself and started being e-friends. For a very long time, they only texted each other online. The beginning was promising: lots of flirting, excitement to get a text, curiosity, and many missing pieces in the puzzle. They did not know how they look like. Well, she kept it a secret. She thought if he is really interested in her, her looks don’t matter.
But one day they decided it is time to meet. Sunday morning by the Lakes.
I will wait for you holding a red rose on the stairs behind the planetarium, she said.
At 9 am the boy was heading the planetarium stairs to meet the girl that stole lots of his time in the last months. He couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw this beautiful young redhead woman coming towards him. She was wearing a silk green dress and eating strawberries. He went straight to her forgetting completely about the red rose.
Let me pass, she said with a slightly provocative smile.
Before saying anything, the boy sees behind her an older woman holding a red rose and waiting on the stairs. She was not the skinniest and her hair was greasy and grey. Her feet were heavy and hiding under a dark brown dress. The spring redhead girl was gone now. The boy looked back for her, but then his feeling for this woman were stronger and did not let him follow the pretty girl. The older woman was standing still. She was pale but seemed intelligent and her eyes were kind.
He tried hard not to show his disappointment and went to talk to her. After all, they had been sharing the most beautiful texts and probably some sexts too. He said hi and introduced himself.
Hi, you must be fixpink. I’m Joe, nice meeting you, finally. Can I buy you a coffee?
I don’t know what you are talking, son. The redhead girl gave me this rose and she said if you buy me a coffee I should tell you she is waiting for you inside that restaurant over there.
*Disclosure: the story is not mine. Heard it before in Romanian and adapted to my own little blog. If you find Joe and the real green dress girl, let them know they’re cool :)*
You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
– What …what happened? You asked. Where am I?
– You died, I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
– There was a … truck and it was skidding…
– Yup, I said.
– I… died?
– Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies. I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me.
– What is this place? You asked. Is this the afterlife?
– More or less, I said.
– Are you god? You asked.
– Yup, I replied. I’m God.
– My kids… my wife, you said.
– What about them?
– Will they be all right?
– That’s what I like to see, I said. You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar teacher than the almighty.
– Don’t worry, I said. They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.
– Oh, you said. So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?
– Neither, I said. You’ll be reincarnated.
– Ah, you said So the Hindus were right.
– All religions are right in their own way, I said. Walk with me.
You followed along as we strode through the void.
– Where are we going?
– Nowhere, in particular, I said. It’s just nice to walk while we talk.
– So what’s the point, then? You asked. When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.
– Not so! I said. You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders.
– Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had. You’ve been in a human for the last 58 years, so you haven’t stretched out and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here long enough you’ll start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.
– How many times have I been reincarnated, then?
– Oh, lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives, I said. This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.
– Wait, what? You stammered. You’re sending me back in time?
– Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.
– Where you come from?
– Oh, sure, I explained, I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly, you wouldn’t understand.
– Oh, you said a little letdown. But wait, if I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.
– Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.
– So what’s the point of it all?
– Seriously, I asked? Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?
– Well, it’s a reasonable question, you persisted.
I looked you in the eye.
– The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe is for you to mature.
– You mean mankind? You want us to mature?
– No, just you. I made this whole universe just for you. With each new life, you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.
– Just me? What about everyone else`
– There is no one else, I said. In this universe, there’s just you and me.
You stared blankly at me.
– But all the people on Earth…
– All you. Different incarnations of you.
– Wait. I am everyone?!
– Now you’re getting it., I said with a congratulatory slap on the back.
– I’m every human being who ever lived?
– Or who will ever live, yes.
– I’m Abraham Lincoln?
– And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too, I added.
– I’m Hitler? You said appalled.
– And you’re the millions he killed.
– I’m Jesus?
– And you’re everyone who followed him.
You fell silent.
– Every time you victimized someone, I said, you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done it to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.
You thought for a long time.
– Why? you asked me. Why do all this?
– Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You are one of my kind. You’re my child.
– Whoa, you said, incredulous. You mean I am god?
– No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing- Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time you will have grown enough to be born.
– So the whole universe, you said, it’s just…
– An egg, I answered. Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.
– And I sent you on your way.
Yes, I just wrote THE EGG story by Andy Weir just as it was written by me. Now you know it too and you can also read it in your language. 🙂
Our generation has less sex than our grandparents’ and that’s because we can talk about it more than we will ever put in practice.
I never talked to my parents about sex. I barely talked about sex with anybody until I was far away from home and anyone who could judge me. During all this time of having a tabu subject, I established rules, fantasies, and principles. All for myself and the ones involved.
Time has passed and from amazing experiences to frustrations and relationships, I have slightly …changed. My rules found their exceptions. My fantasies found their reality and my principles got outdated. A few years ago I even asked my grandma when was the last time she and my beloved grandfather …banged. She laughed as that would be the very last question from me, but a very welcomed one from a friend.
– Four years ago, she whispered it.
She was in her seventies back then.
The other night I was at a dinner table with friends of friends and was making conversation with this guy next to me who I barely knew. After some small talk and a big glass of wine, he says very nonchalantly:
– I miss sex!
Oh, wow! Someone in my shoes, I immediately thought. I have to admit I was happy to hear him saying that. Suddenly I felt less alone on this planet. Someone else has as less sex as I am. The discussion escalated in describing times when he was having sex three times per day on the balcony, in the kitchen, or outside his building. Now he’s having a distance relationship and forced to wait for that time of the month…
– Oh, you know what I love doing? Oh, my God, I cannot tell you this…
– Tell me now!
Disclaimer: I wish I could’ve recorded his exact words because it was short, simple and on point: the way he would tease the girl so bad by ripping off her panties and leave. To the store or somewhere she could not see or touch him. Just for ten minutes. And by the time he would be back, she’ll be all over him. Mission accomplished!
Damn, boy! you’re good. Yes, he was a simple cute boy, and yes, I can relate plenty of girls would love a for-play like that. He asked me what sexy things I’ve done, what I would do and what do I like. I answered with the same nonchalance.
– I bet your birthday is in springtime, he commented afterwards.
– How do you know??!
– Because all the girls I had something with were born in spring.
I didn’t say anything more. I just backed off politely and pretended everything is normal. Problem is I can’t stop thinking how good that food was while having that conversation. But maybe was just the restaurant, right?
However, don’t do it at home, and especially not outside. You will get horny af and the next day at the office you will be extremely unproductive. 🙈
You are really something. The things you’ve done, the places you’ve been, the people you’ve met… oh boy, the memories you’ve collected! You’ve been a nomad, a traveler, an Amazon, a rider, a storyteller. People tell you that you are ballsy, self-confident, courageous, daring…
But then you are also insecure, emotional, needy, dramatic and so on and so forth. Probably another reason you’ve been on Tinder or Inner Circle – the latest dating app I discovered while being too lazy to bike in this cold weather to any public place.
There are two types of people on dating apps: the ones who dedicate to one or two profiles at once and the ones who check other profiles while waiting for your replies having a constant fear of missing out. The first ones end up dating one of the profiles and ghosting – probably very politely – the other one. The second ones are hunters, restless, passionate, curious, nomads, people who have been living some shit, been heartbroken, rejected, ghosted and loved so many times they basically don’t give a fuck. Well not until their right buttons are triggered.
Swiping on the app your mind goes like:
Too serious. Bad photo, dude. Ugh. Too pretty. And nothing else. Weird. Too hippie. Too short. Too much of a close-up!!! Too much! Too easy! Too sad. Too old. Ugly … those teeth! Fat. Unconscious of himself. Arrogant. Materialistic… Too many of good old photos and just one recent where you can’t even tell what’s left of his youth.
I know. We are judgemental. We think we have enough experience to know everything before even talking to each other. It’s a jungle.
No likes, no winks, no woofs, he just breaks the ice after a profile check:
Hey! I must say that I actually prefer your two pictures even more than pictures of pizzas from a menu – and I really love pizza 🙈
Haha, much appreciated! You should see my Snapchat bitmoji, it has my face on a pizza. Well, my head is having a pizza aura… damn, can’t show it here. But you get it.
Well, you are welcome. And that escalated quickly. I am actually not sure if I get it, but here is mine.
Only if you tell me the origin of that name
It’s an alias to my surname. My great-great-grand-dad was Polish.
…3 minutes pass and he freaks out. He says goodbye.
You don’t want to feel like it was your fault and you engage in what it might be a better ending for a quite ok start of a conversation. You do a little bit of a small talk and hit them with a tricky question. You need their ideas. Make them think. Usually, they will think more about what you want to hear instead of what they would actually think.
Give me more. Give me a story.
Hmm… let’s see. How about a short story about the Crazy Polak from the Inner Circle? 😂 catchy. His urge and need to charm and leave an impression with this girl.
You’re not impressed. not after having those stories too many times and yet another one wants to start. You roll your eyes. Literally with this emoji: 🙄 This will drag you down. Nobody likes that! He’s politely signing out.
Now, this is your second time pulling him back in. Because it’s weekend and this is the best shot you got to an interesting plot.
But you’re smart. You can do it. And who doesn’t love seeing you put down a bit or pretend you misunderstood his sarcastic tone. Then you are being honest and tell him what was really to blame: another guy texted you.
ok, let’s start over… tell me about that weird text.
Ohay, he obviously likes you for very little things now. He only saw two silly pics of you and forgave two stupid moves… But hey, why not push it a little bit forward and see how he reacts when you are telling him about the last guy you dated? 🙄
– If you’re gonna be weird too I am gonna call it with Polish guys 😂
– I am Danish though…
– Okaaay, fine.
Now you ask him for his phone number. Not because he passed all your texts but you are actually tired of opening this stupid app and want to make it easier for your fingers. If you are too blunt he will not give it to you and asks you why.
– Boy, I sounded bossy.
– Haha, you are bossy indeed. 😂
– I hate this app. It makes me mean. And rude. And it’s hard to text.
– You do seem a bit mean and rude actually…
Damn, you really like messing things up, don’t you? Apologise, God dammit! And be the nice guy – well girl – for once! You can even ask him to help you in that sense. He will say you can definitely find inspiration somewhere else for that. You can take a hint and let it go… you lost.
– A good girl… actually, good girls are often kinda boring 🙄 Nah…I am just trying to figure you out, that’s all. Complexity is a mouthful, but kinda interesting too…
Oh, look at that. He wants to figure you out. Well, let him have a taste. Tell him you will answer three of the most important questions for him to find that out. And you will be 100% honest. He will not ask anything complicated, but things you both know. People want confirmations though.
– Hmm… okay then, first question: You are a bit into yourself, right?
– Easy question. A yes or no one. And having a relative “bit” in it 😃 So yes, I think I am a bit into myself. And not necessarily because of my qualities, but because of 100 other reasons. Mostly my flaws made me look inside. And my failures.
– And you are a dominant creature based on fear of not fitting in?
– Hmmm… I do have the fear of missing out. I think I almost accepted the fact that I don’t always fit in and I shouldn’t struggle much about it.
– You easily get bored and then you seek a fix for an “interesting environment”?
Well done. You are a human to him now. He will like knowing you are a bit insecure, protective and careful. Now, it’s your turn. Show him you want to figure him out. He will say he is honest, sensitive and simple, but he likes complexity. And when he realizes that’s quite a short presentation, he will ask you to ask three questions about himself. You will ask him the following:
1. Who would you save from the end of the world?
2. What age would you prefer to die?
3. How many dates you think we’ll have?
He will be sweet and honest. And then you can open up to him for the last time (or maybe not):
I am actually saddened by the dating these days… How we behave, how we forgot the romance and how we are just being fake polite. We scroll. We check out. We judge. We imagine. We barely dare to talk. We talk random or too personal with all kinds of strangers. We meet. Once a month. Once a week maybe when we get bored and don’t feel like doing the same things. We don’t connect. We don’t even expect to. Because it’s been too long since the last time we did it. And maybe that last one wasn’t even real. Was mostly in our dreamy heads. Then we become so… wild we don’t even know how to behave. So we might pass on real people really easy…We wouldn’t even know.
He gives you his phone number now. You can continue there.
– What do you want? I asked him.
– What do I want? Now that is a huge question… I guess I want to find my future-fantastic-baby-mama…
– I kinda want pizza now… but then is it really worth it? (I feel like most of the people on these dating apps think like this haha).
– Buy a pizza then, easy!
– I am having cake now.
With someone else…