Between Easy and Rocket Science Complicated

My mother always told me to be mysterious and to not say everything I think. But do you think I listen to my mother? Well, of course! All the time I can hear her voice saying this and that! But do I really do what the voices in my head are telling me? Sure. And it does bring me somewhat good outcomes and rather pleasant feedback.  For example, I remember how over the moon I was when the boy I liked texted me saying: ‘oh, you’re so mysterious!’  Hell yeah, I am! Look, mom, I made it!! It was like winning the olympics. But I only got like 4th place in the olympics so it definitely could feel better. And between you and I, I imagine winning the olympics is when my mystery is elucidated in a very mysterious way that is absolutely out in the air! You know what I mean? 😄 

That was one day, and that feeling lasted until my next emotional outbreak. PMS! Ok, there goes my mystery. I do tend to speak a bit too much of my mind.  For example yesterday… I went inside the striptease club downstairs for the first time ever with the administrator lady to get a genitor’s phone number. Don’t ask! Then I spent one hour in the bike shop next door just because the seller guy loves Gica Hagi. Thus he liked me and showed me 7 bikes.  ‘You know I still watch 20 years old football matches? I love it! my wife asks me, how can you still like to watch them, they are so old? Then I tll her, my mom is old and I still like her!’ laughs!!! 😂

I am so easy! Until I speak my mind. Then I am outrageously complicated, an over-thinker and too sensitive. Don’t believe me? Just watch!  I am so confident! Until I speak my mind. Then you will see I know nothing for sure. I am quite insecure.  I am so sexy! Until I speak my mind and tell a lifetime bachelor I want to settle. That is not sexy. But I think it’s pretty funny. 😄 Just like telling a polyamorous guy you are monogamous. It is a bit sad, I know… 

So what am I?  I am really hungry right now. But it is way past dinner time and I hate how my pants got one size bigger (another one). It’s not the pants’ fault, I know! So what do I do when I am hungry? I read about food. I swallow my weird tasting saliva and funnily, I remember the taste of the last guy I kissed. Weird, huh!? Well, I am sure everyone does this and it’s completely normal (just like checking their Instagram 😅). I am just not mysterious about it.  🙊

You know what else might be weird? That I love talking about some things I am not even good at it. Like mystery, cooking and sex. oh, oh! ups, think I should leave the last two out, just to keep a bit of mystery here. Just saying. Who knows, maybe you’re the one my mom was thinking I should impress.  ‘No idea emoji’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

What about you?  What did your mother tell you and still resonates in your memory but does not comply into your actions? What is it that you think of when you’re hungry but too polite with your body not to eat in the middle of the night? What do you think about sex and cooking?  How mysterious are you?  How does your saliva taste now? 

Cheers, kisses and apologies. For (ruining) the mystery! 

Waiting for love…

Last night I met a mexican traveler at Ana’s party. He asked me how long have I been here and I asked him what was the name of the woman that he loved the most. 

Siria.

Like the country?

Siria is a girl’s name of Spanish origin meaning “sun-bright, glowing”. She was my highschool crush. But back then I was a teenager, young, dumb and with too many distractions and a huge ego. Things evolved but with us on separate ways. So she is married now and has a kid. We are still friends and talk to each other very nicely. Quite often as well… but years later I got drunk and told her how in love I was with her back then and she fucking slapped me. 

You fucking idiot! why didn’t you say anything? I was in love with you as well… 

Yup, love has different ways of scaring people and make them wait. For what? hmm – don’t get me started. I am the master of creating expectations and scenarios where things just come my way. ‘Cause why not? 🤪

You know, I am a guy who does what he’s told. I am good with obedience. If someone tells me I should sit, I will sit. If you tell me now that you would like to meet me next Tuesday at 7pm in the central station, I will be there waiting for you. Cause you told me so. And I obey!

There was a second woman in my life. When I was studying in France, she was a Japanese exchange student with a boyfriend back in Japan. So when we started hanging out she made it clear we can only have fun as she will go back to her boyfriend. 

Do not fall in love with me, she commanded!

And I obeyed. But then she was the one falling in love with me and wanted to break up with her boyfriend. But I wasn’t in love with her as she told me not to be. So we did not end up together. A few years later I am going backpacking in Japan and I text her it would be lovely to meet. She said, yes, come and meet me and my family for dinner. So I did. I met her husband, her child, her whole family and they were all super nice. The next day before I left she came only with her son to have a goodbye coffee with me. And it was lovely again. But when I left and hugged her for the last time, I had the strangest feeling: that could’ve been me, if only I would’ve had the courage to admit I was always in love with her! 

This guy could be you, if you don’t have the courage to admit your true feelings 🙂

This might be me, but I am here waiting. For someone to tell me not to fall in love with them, cause I don’t obey! hehe 😀

Mornings Are For Those Who Love

Why are you leaving? he asked while she was sneaking out his bedroom holding her shoes in one hand and the scarf on the other. 

Cuz mornings are for the ones who love… 

I dont understand.

You were too shy, scared and arrogant, so I gave you just a one night stand. 

But we are in my bed. 

Many nights later, very cold ones, she ended up in the same warm bed with this guy that adored her body while she adored his mind and soul. But he was too proud and dumb to understand it was supposed to be the other way around. 

One morning though, her alarm did not go off…  That morning they both understood why mornings are for the ones who love.  🥐☕️

• 

Dimineata e pentru cei ce iubesc. 

Uneori in viata vine baiatul la care am visat mereu si e prea prost si arogant sa stie ce e important.  Si il duci acasa. La el in pat. Sa se simta comfortabil, bine, si iubit.  Iar dimineata te imbraci frumos si dai sa pleci.  O sa se simta prost.  O sa strige: de ce pleci? Iar tu o sa raspunzi: dimineata e pentru cei ce iubesc!

La lupta tu nu vei renunta. Multe nopti vei incerca sa il faci sa intelegi, de ce diminetile sunt pt cei care iubesc. Mai ales dupa noptile reci 🙂
Iar dupa toata lupta ta, intr-o alta buna zi, alarma ta nu va mai suna. 
Da, e baiatul ala care ti-a iubit doar corpul la inceput, care e era prea prost si orgolios sa inteleaga ca e pe dos. 
Ai rabdare 🙂 pleaca fara sa il trezesti.  Ca un vis pe care nu ti-l amintesti! 

Dimineata e pentru cei ce iubesc!

Drama King

Once upon a time, in the land of the happiest people in the world, there was a charming prince who, except 70 virgins, a driving license and self-esteem, had everything a man could possible want. 

He was living alone in his big castle, feeling happily unloved and scared of all kinds of things (diseases, stronger men, smarter people, disappointments) when one day, completely out of his league, an unusual girl stepped into his office. The girl was simple, innocent, and cute, but the prince saw her complicated, challenging and sexy. So you know how this kind of story goes: the prince charms the girl who breaks up with her loving fiancé and they bang. And bang. Bang, bang, bangity-bang! Hot damn bang. 

Three years later, the story presents the simple girl as a sophisticated, successful young lady (yes, sex does makes you look better), who has almost no issues. Except the self-destructing, self-sufficient and self-centered characteristics she inherited from the Prince Charming, who got himself a virgin, a personal driver and a psychiatrist to remind him of his self worth. 

They both live sadly separated thinking about each other more than they should. 

The end. 

found in the trash and thought it’s way too funny to be tossed 🙂

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To My Favorite Bottle

Now, imagine you are my favorite bottle of gin and we are having a conversation the morning after we consumed each other’s contents.

– My darling, why don’t you want me anymore? You ask.

– That must be because You are my favorite bottle of gin, but I had enough of you the other night and I definitely can’t even taste you now as my whole brain blames you for everything!!! So the best memory of you now it’s a demon in my brains that associates that sweet memory of our fun with the nausea and headache I have right now. And I didn’t even have the entire bottle!

– Damn, girl, YOU surely know how to simplify things for every man’s language. If only you could speak mine…

– Shut up you beautiful bottle of gin! You hurt me.

– But you know how good we are together. I shine in people’s memory and desire and you shine wearing me. Especially on the dance floor.

– I smell some murder on the dance floor.

-But you’d better not kill the groove! 🎼

– Hey, Hey! 🎼

– Oh you! I am sorry it didn’t work out between us. I really enjoyed being in your body. And the reason I never gave you the entire 100% of my content was because I knew you can’t handle it all.

– And had I had the chance to prove you wrong, you still be right when saying…: it’s murder on the dance floor!! 😂🎼

– Oh you…Let us be friends!!

– Friends?? Dude, please! What’s the point carrying around a good bottle of gin if I can’t drink it?

– Fair enough.

– Farewell.

To Be Overwhelming

I need a break. I can’t do this anymore. It’s too much for me and I really need some time out. You are overwhelming and I can’t keep up with you!

When I heard this coming from the one I thought is what you call best friend, I remained speechless and with a relaxed smile I started tearing on the streets of Berlin. It was a sweet breakup as I finally understood what it means. Heard it before, that I am overwhelming and a bit too much for one to handle, but never heard anyone breaking up with me like that. By all means, I respect it. It’s way better knowing and hearing this than being ghosted or pushed away in various idiotic or polite ways.

There are 34,000 distinguishable emotions, which means there are roughly 17,000 negative emotions. But most people cannot accurately identify which of the 17,000 negative emotions they are actually experiencing. So when you claim to be feeling overwhelmed, you might actually be experiencing something else entirely: helplessness, anger, frustration, irritation, a sense of defeat or despair.

success.com

As I said, this is not new to my ears. So after returning to my friendless-life, I started a research on being overwhelmed and having an overwhelming personality. So if I want to change any of the emotions I experience, and trigger in others, I have to be more precise on identifying and discriminating what exactly am I feeling ‘not from an intellectual perspective but from an experiential perspective’. I guess it’s good to know that anger brings more heart beats than overwhelm which is represented by slumped shoulder position and open hands, right?

A big personality. Someone who is struggling with racing thoughts and attention deficit but also confused and fragile due to high sensitivity.  Maybe you were a kid struggling with your own being while your parents slushed you for being who you were. And then kids bullied you for not being ‘cool’ when you lost your cool. And that is just one beautiful trauma for one who’s overwhelming. 

My research concludes that defining the experiential differences between emotions, will improve the ‘emotional literacy‘, aka emotional intelligence.

Focus on right now. Take actions. Change thoughts of uncontrollability or unpredictability. Take a deep breath. Change your multitasking mindset – because it’s stressful to do many things at once! Bet you’ve heard all these before, but just think about it. Maybe add it as a reminder. Because it feels better to remember one of these points than hear your friends telling you that you are overwhelming them.

overwhelming contemplating

Cheers 🙂

My Last Tinder Date

Yes, I found the one!

The one to make me want to delete Tinder and don’t look back. It was two minutes after I updated my profile description that I am giving this app one last change when this Adonis looking like man texts me. Using a very sarcastic way which, he addressed a ‘concern’ on how many people I will attract with that description. Needless to say, that it worked.

He would ask me non-familiar questions and make me double check my answers. He challenged every single conversation we had and made me feel insecure. With strangers, usually I run the conversations pretty smooth and playful, but this guy would turn all my statements into some meaningless or very poorly argued answers. So when he asked me what kind of guy I am looking for and I shared my vision with the note that I am self aware how many Disney movies I watched, he said:

Sure. I too want an awesome girl with super intelligence and a mega kinky sex drive, who will love me unconditionally. I can second that. I am 31. Haven’t found the perfect candidate yet. Pretty sure it’s because that perfect candidate is a product of my mind and not a real person.

That’s what he said! I paused. Then he felt like losing my interest and continued:

To be honest I would rather have coffee with a real person 🙂 

Ok, let me try again with my expectations. I want…

There I was mentioning all the addons Disney girls think they are realistic when thinking about prince charming. I mean it’s simple things as humor, hight, sex-drive, and handyman skills.

Are you funny and kind, and will you make me laugh every single day? Are you less than 170cm with c+ cups? You should also never ever say no to sex and like to be slapped a bit around. You will keep the house clean every day. You also love people and are very easy going with no insecurities or mental issues. Right? And you’ll play video games with me 3 hours a day and suck my dick between games, right?

Well… I don’t have C+ cups 😞 

I thought that right there was the end for us. But no, this guy did not care about my bra size. He continued to challenge my princess brain and eventually met me in real person. The time was not the best as I had a terrible day at the office and I mentioned he should take it easy with all this mind games as I am quite sensitive. So we met in real live under almost all my terms.

The moment we had eye contact and said our names out loud (just for him to hear mine), our whole dynamic has changed. There was no statement or any question I couldn’t answer honestly and emotions-free. But damn, he surely tried to push me! He would comment on how all normal people would say the same things every time I’d say something about myself he heard before. He would comment how unique and special I am every time I would surprise him. Then he would comment on my English or my nationality. And so he would unconsciously bore me and loose me slowly. But not until that one final moment. We were transitioning bars – cause apparently the one we were was too expensive for him (don’t say it, I know!) – and here we were crossing the street when he suddenly expressed his true feelings for me:

I would really love to fuck you! 

Wow! Something a girl never heard before, something you would always want to hear and something nobody could guess. Well, now you know why he’s the One for ending this game. That was the IT moment for me. Not the nerves, not the cheap sarcasm, or the cheapness of his wallet, but this great remark which went straight to my blood veins. Faster than the burgers’ fat. And right there, right then, I made the best call: to be sweet with this guy, to be kind and to be honest as fuck! After all, burgers’ fat has its purpose once in a while.

So I did had one more drink with him – a very cheap one that he offered to pay for – and we talked about our parents, him becoming a doctor, my current emotional stress, his medical history, our exes and our future plans. While his fascination with me would grow with his desire to kiss me, my interest degraded to the current definite decision.

No, thank you! I am good. I am good without you and without any other man so simple minded and inconsiderate to my emotions and body.

So that was it for me. I found the one to make me feel perfectly fine in my skin without any sexual validation. And after 7 years in Denmark, I can proudly say I also have enough friends, with or without benefits.

Don’t get me wrong. The whole thing was a bit more complex than in my story. At some point I was about to tear up while talking about depression and mental health. He had a serious background with it and he made me see clearer my current state of mind (it seems I am a bit stressed). He looked at me with awe and sincerely asked if he could stay longer in my company. I looked at him and felt sad for rejecting him, but also safe and proud for having my company all the time. Then for having chosen him. While he never asked me for my last name, he surely knows how much of a vanilla girl I am in private now.

Dear oh dear! thanks for a memorable last tinder date. It was fun!

Now, the rest of you out there. Be honest, but don’t be rude and cocky. I still believe in true love stories from Tinder and I will keep writing them down. I already know several happily married couples from Tinder. I am just waiting for their divorce to have a catchy story haha.
Cheers! 
❤️ 

PS: I just laughed my ass off re-reading the story of my last tinder dates.😂 enjoy the entertaining read!

The Breakup

Break up with him, he’s an asshole! 

Some people are more assholes in our stories than in real life, and others are the greatest assholes in real life but we are ‘too blinded by love’ to tell their story… 

We’ve all been through some breakups, and while some think they are directly proportional with the passion and love we give in the relationship, it’s all about the hope. The hope that they will wait for us outside at the end of that first day of work*. The hope that they will stop smoking every day*. The hope they will be brave and open their heart*, or the hope that they will propose*. High hopes make the falling harder and painful. And although we are aware of the risks of having such high hopes, we still HOPE the fall will feel like flying. There is always a bottom. 🙂

The other day I went to an event with a Storytelling Open Stage. As the theme was Breakup, my favorite topic these days, I mounted the stage with my first impromptu story in front of a very attentive large audience. I was so nervous I had to look at the ceiling for the first two minutes and imagine everyone naked, but I did it! I went up there in front of thirty strangers and told my breakup story – one of many – and probably the biggest in terms of time and lessons. And guess what? I ended my story looking in their eyes, making them smile, applauding and asking for a part two! Well you know what that means… that I need to break up with someone again haha. Just kidding. I have plenty of juicy stories already.

While deciding which story to share, I realized there is this thing I saw in my family while growing up. My parents would say they breakup and threat with a divorce every time they would have a big argument. So in 32 years they said they will break up like 30 times but never for reals. Always for the makeup (sex – I later found out). Well, it doesn’t work like that anymore. Or at least, the people I try to break up are either taking me too seriously or not at all. But let me ask you, is there a normal way to break up?

Now, back to my weekend’s moment of ‘celebrity’. I told the story of my breakup with the perfect boyfriend over curiosity and need to break free. And while it all started with a crush/kiss, it all ended with tears and too many lessons. Well, let’s not forget my present self, the sum of everything I went through. Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only, broken me!

*this is not just about one ex, but many beloved assholes.

❤

The Moth’s Mistake

Comfort can be a happy place. Some find it in food, alcohol or intimacy. For others is found in work, shopping or entertainment. And when we reach for these remedies, there is often instant relief. But pleasure is fleeting. And the allure of comfort can deceive us.

Remember how the moths fly towards flames? For any moth, the flame represents the captivating essence of light so they fly to the flickery glow. But this is clearly not a good choice. The moth only seeks the comfort, but the flame causes actually sufferance.

Aren’t we all moths sometimes? Being pulled towards what appears comforting and it’s in fact comfortable. We go on alcohol binge and it feels enjoyable at first but the next day we pay the price. Or angry at someone and begin to yell at them. This too might feel good momentarily but it creates a wider rift and deeper hurt.

We must ask ourselves: do our habit actually bring us comfort? and for how long does that comfort come with the price of long term suffering. Our habits operate at an unconscious level. Ultimately we want to bring awareness to the impulses and urges that accompany unease and discomfort, so rather than unconsciously reaching for that old comfort or vice, we can consciously choose actions that serve our deeper happiness and wellbeing.