Don’t Talk About Sex During Dinner

Our generation has less sex than our grandparents’ and that’s because we can talk about it more than we will ever put in practice.

I never talked to my parents about sex. I barely talked about sex with anybody until I was far away from home and anyone who could judge me. During all this time of having a tabu subject, I established rules, fantasies, and principles. All for myself and the ones involved.

Time has passed and from amazing experiences to frustrations and relationships, I have slightly …changed. My rules found their exceptions. My fantasies found their reality and my principles got outdated. A few years ago I even asked my grandma when was the last time she and my beloved grandfather …banged. She laughed as that would be the very last question from me, but a very welcomed one from a friend.

– Four years ago, she whispered it.

She was in her seventies back then.

The other night I was at a dinner table with friends of friends and was making conversation with this guy next to me who I barely knew. After some small talk and a big glass of wine, he says very nonchalantly:

– I miss sex!

Oh, wow! Someone in my shoes, I immediately thought. I have to admit I was happy to hear him saying that. Suddenly I felt less alone on this planet. Someone else has as less sex as I am. The discussion escalated in describing times when he was having sex three times per day on the balcony, in the kitchen, or outside his building. Now he’s having a distance relationship and forced to wait for that time of the month…

– Oh, you know what I love doing? Oh, my God, I cannot tell you this…

– Tell me now!

Disclaimer: I wish I could’ve recorded his exact words because it was short, simple and on point: the way he would tease the girl so bad by ripping off her panties and leave. To the store or somewhere she could not see or touch him. Just for ten minutes. And by the time he would be back, she’ll be all over him. Mission accomplished!

Damn, boy! you’re good. Yes, he was a simple cute boy, and yes, I can relate plenty of girls would love a for-play like that. He asked me what sexy things I’ve done, what I would do and what do I like. I answered with the same nonchalance.

– I bet your birthday is in springtime, he commented afterwards.

– How do you know??!

– Because all the girls I had something with were born in spring.

I didn’t say anything more. I just backed off politely and pretended everything is normal. Problem is I can’t stop thinking how good that food was while having that conversation. But maybe was just the restaurant, right?

However, don’t do it at home, and especially not outside. You will get horny af and the next day at the office you will be extremely unproductive. 🙈

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#foodporn

 

The Way We Meet

You are really something. The things you’ve done, the places you’ve been, the people you’ve met… oh boy, the memories you’ve collected! You’ve been a nomad, a traveler, an Amazon, a rider, a storyteller. People tell you that you are ballsy, self-confident, courageous, daring…

But then you are also insecure, emotional, needy, dramatic and so on and so forth. Probably another reason you’ve been on Tinder or Inner Circle – the latest dating app I discovered while being too lazy to bike in this cold weather to any public place.

There are two types of people on dating apps: the ones who dedicate to one or two profiles at once and the ones who check other profiles while waiting for your replies having a constant fear of missing out. The first ones end up dating one of the profiles and ghosting – probably very politely – the other one. The second ones are hunters, restless, passionate, curious, nomads, people who have been living some shit, been heartbroken, rejected, ghosted and loved so many times they basically don’t give a fuck. Well not until their right buttons are triggered.

Swiping on the app your mind goes like:

Too serious.  Bad photo, dude.  Ugh.  Too pretty. And nothing else.  Weird. Too hippie.  Too short.  Too much of a close-up!!!  Too much! Too easy! Too sad.  Too old.  Ugly … those teeth!  Fat. Unconscious of himself. Arrogant. Materialistic… Too many of good old photos and just one recent where you can’t even tell what’s left of his youth. 

I know. We are judgemental. We think we have enough experience to know everything before even talking to each other. It’s a jungle.

No likes, no winks, no woofs, he just breaks the ice after a profile check:

Hey! I must say that I actually prefer your two pictures even more than pictures of pizzas from a menu – and I really love pizza 🙈

Haha, much appreciated! You should see my Snapchat bitmoji, it has my face on a pizza. Well, my head is having a pizza aura… damn, can’t show it here. But you get it.

Well, you are welcome. And that escalated quickly. I am actually not sure if I get it, but here is mine.

Only if you tell me the origin of that name

It’s an alias to my surname. My great-great-grand-dad was Polish.

…3 minutes pass and he freaks out. He says goodbye. 

You don’t want to feel like it was your fault and you engage in what it might be a better ending for a quite ok start of a conversation. You do a little bit of a small talk and hit them with a tricky question. You need their ideas. Make them think. Usually, they will think more about what you want to hear instead of what they would actually think.

Give me more. Give me a story.

Hmm… let’s see. How about a short story about the Crazy Polak from the Inner Circle? 😂 catchy. His urge and need to charm and leave an impression with this girl. 

You’re not impressed. not after having those stories too many times and yet another one wants to start. You roll your eyes. Literally with this emoji: 🙄 This will drag you down. Nobody likes that! He’s politely signing out.

Now, this is your second time pulling him back in. Because it’s weekend and this is the best shot you got to an interesting plot.

But you’re smart. You can do it. And who doesn’t love seeing you put down a bit or pretend you misunderstood his sarcastic tone. Then you are being honest and tell him what was really to blame: another guy texted you.

ok, let’s start over… tell me about that weird text.

Ohay, he obviously likes you for very little things now. He only saw two silly pics of you and forgave two stupid moves… But hey, why not push it a little bit forward and see how he reacts when you are telling him about the last guy you dated?  🙄

– If you’re gonna be weird too I am gonna call it with Polish guys 😂

– I am Danish though…

– Okaaay, fine.

Now you ask him for his phone number. Not because he passed all your texts but you are actually tired of opening this stupid app and want to make it easier for your fingers. If you are too blunt he will not give it to you and asks you why.

– Boy, I sounded bossy.

– Haha, you are bossy indeed. 😂

– I hate this app. It makes me mean. And rude. And it’s hard to text.

– You do seem a bit mean and rude actually…

Damn, you really like messing things up, don’t you? Apologise, God dammit! And be the nice guy – well girl – for once! You can even ask him to help you in that sense. He will say you can definitely find inspiration somewhere else for that. You can take a hint and let it go… you lost.

– A good girl… actually, good girls are often kinda boring 🙄 Nah…I am just trying to figure you out, that’s all. Complexity is a mouthful, but kinda interesting too…

Oh, look at that. He wants to figure you out. Well, let him have a taste. Tell him you will answer three of the most important questions for him to find that out. And you will be 100% honest. He will not ask anything complicated, but things you both know. People want confirmations though.

– Hmm… okay then, first question: You are a bit into yourself, right?

– Easy question. A yes or no one. And having a relative “bit” in it 😃 So yes, I think I am a bit into myself. And not necessarily because of my qualities, but because of 100 other reasons. Mostly my flaws made me look inside. And my failures.

– And you are a dominant creature based on fear of not fitting in?

– Hmmm… I do have the fear of missing out. I think I almost accepted the fact that I don’t always fit in and I shouldn’t struggle much about it.

– You easily get bored and then you seek a fix for an “interesting environment”?

– Yes.

Well done. You are a human to him now. He will like knowing you are a bit insecure, protective and careful. Now, it’s your turn. Show him you want to figure him out. He will say he is honest, sensitive and simple, but he likes complexity. And when he realizes that’s quite a short presentation, he will ask you to ask three questions about himself. You will ask him the following:

1. Who would you save from the end of the world?

2. What age would you prefer to die?

3. How many dates you think we’ll have?

He will be sweet and honest. And then you can open up to him for the last time (or maybe not):

I am actually saddened by the dating these days… How we behave, how we forgot the romance and how we are just being fake polite. We scroll. We check out. We judge. We imagine. We barely dare to talk. We talk random or too personal with all kinds of strangers. We meet. Once a month. Once a week maybe when we get bored and don’t feel like doing the same things. We don’t connect. We don’t even expect to. Because it’s been too long since the last time we did it. And maybe that last one wasn’t even real. Was mostly in our dreamy heads. Then we become so… wild we don’t even know how to behave. So we might pass on real people really easy…We wouldn’t even know.

He gives you his phone number now. You can continue there.

– What do you want? I asked him.

– What do I want? Now that is a huge question… I guess I want to find my future-fantastic-baby-mama…

– I kinda want pizza now… but then is it really worth it? (I feel like most of the people on these dating apps think like this haha).

– Buy a pizza then, easy!

– I am having cake now.

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With someone else…

You want a visa? Marry me!

Last night a bottle of Chiraz and I were sitting on the curb-stone in front of my building being sad. And who am I calling? The number one man in my life: dad.

We haven’t talked for weeks so went for more than an hour when a guy stops brutally his bike to tell me that I am beautiful. 

I smile and say thanks.

Dad, what was I saying?

2 minutes later, the guy comes back to ask for my name and…my hand. 

Dude, I am on the phone!

yeah, yeah…what’s your name?

Uhm, can you wait a little? I am talking with my father here!

Oh, OK! 

I am hanging up very politely to my father to listen to this stranger – sometimes strangers have a gift to change my mood with their stories so I am listening.

I am not a drug dealer. I don’t take drugs. Do you? No you don’t. You don’t look like someone who takes. Those are ugly people. I don’t, well maybe some cocaine…oh, you Romanians have the BEST coke ever! Oh, you people are mental… especially fathers. If they have a daughter they would cut your throat for her. That’s why I let you talk to him. I though it was your boyfriend tho.. Ohhhhh boy.. I know, my ex was half-Romanian. That bitch!! Do you know she wanted to take half from me when we divorced?? But police took everything anyway… haha! Yeah, motherfuckers. I did 3 years in jail. They caught me selling… 

So you DO sell drugs! 

Ha, I don’t… I mean, the judge said I ruin people’s lives. But I don’t see it like that! People can decide, do you know what I mean? They can say no to drugs. Why am I the bad guy just for selling to those who want it? And the fucking government is putting drugs on the street. Fucking assholes!! They should give me a break! Man… I wanted to kill myself in there. But it’s not like they say… I mean, sure, there are weak guys, but there are also protectors. I was helping them. And their families paid me for it. By the time I got out I had a 40k in my account. I like helping people. If something makes you happy I will do it for you. I am serious. 

You don’t even know me. 🙂

I can tell. I read people. You’re good. You’re beautiful and smart. You argue with me. I hate women who always agree with what you say. Ugh. Those are the worst! never trust them. But you’re true. You like it here? You wanna stay here? You want a visa? Marry me! No, seriously, I would do that for you. Just to see you happy!  

Haha, thanks. This is too easy and you wouldn’t be my first choice though…

Well of course. You’re beautiful. You can get a guy easily. What? you don’t think so? I am telling you. If you come to my club you will be [ah, I forgot the word] by men. But you don’t go out much, do you? Yeah, I can tell… So when can I take you to dinner?

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Dad is calling me. 

My dad actually called me back to check if I am safe. 😮  pfff  ❤ that man! 

Saved by the bell. I ran inside the electronic doors and I didn’t even look back. I could hear him punching the doors and yelling:

HEY! YOU CAN’T DO THAT!!! HEY!! COME BACK!