killer way (not) to kill a crush

I couldn’t move. We were standing in the middle of that one place that I always fantasize to “trash” with an extreme desire and passion for the human love. It wasn’t the elevator.
I don’t think we were hugging but our bodies were placed tight one onto the other and it felt like two halves put for the first time together. There we were, standing as two halves with conscious minds, fears, insecurities, expectations and a common (in)ability to blend. Our feet were fixed deep on the floor and almost shaking. Our hands were exploring surfaces of clothes and felt new body structures without having the courage to go deeper. Our minds were navigating through all sorts of thoughts and could only imagine what would be beyond all the details. A smooth skin, a muscly chest, a firm touch… maybe an amazing lover?
We already have decided we shouldn’t do anything. Well, I did and he respected my decision. It was just a matter of time until one would fail.
– So you don’t want me to have you right here, right now in the most exciting possible way? he asked staring at me with his glazing eyes.
– No.
I was half lying. He knew that every single inch of my body was screaming “yes”, but I just didn’t want to feel the dull-after-glow.
– I am thirsty. I said after minutes of sniffing, trembling and touching this fascinating man.
– What do you wanna drink? He asked me swallowing some hardcore impulses.
– Anything.
We still didn’t move nor interrupted anyhow the big nothing we were doing. I knew he was waiting for me to fall. To kiss him. To undress him. To have him right there in the most forbidden place. I struggled so much not to though, was curious to see how much can he wait, and I was also secretly hoping he will fail first.
I made the first step back. I think it was the hardest step back I had to take… Damn, my body was paralyzed! I was using all my force left to move away and get some water. My mouth was so dry…
– I would’ve taken you home if you…
– Me too. I said sad but relieved.
Then I left.
It was just a crush. For both of us. And we didn’t consummate it for the sake of not killing its feels. Having a crush like this makes your imagination go wild, lets your hormones dance and beats all the porn videos out there.
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Day 10: Giving 5 Years to Denmark

August 26th, 2012 marks the day I moved to Denmark. I remember when I left Romania I was wearing the same shorts I have today on. I know, I am thinking almost the same: damn, I am still as fit as five years ago 😀 That day I got a laptop as a present for starting a new cycle of studies and a new life basically. I arrived here with lots of courage

I arrived here with lots of courage, hope, and strong will. I didn’t know much about Denmark and it was for the best because I got to discover everything in the right way. I felt cold, lonely, heartbroken, unwanted, envied and ghosted way too many times. I also felt appreciated, loved, helped, admired, wanted and lucky as fuck.

If someone would have flashed my life from the past five years back then I would’ve run back as fast as possible. Oh, no! how could I have said yes to breaking up with my fiance, living with strangers, moving from one room to another for too many times, dating weird guys, falling for the worst, hoping for the best, getting depressions, panic attacks, anxiety, nightmares, deceptions, failures, a bunch of sorrys? 🤦🏻‍♀️But then again, I have learned how to live abroad, travel by myself, socialize, make good decisions, give more than receive, love when I wasn’t loved, who I (possibly) am and what I want to do in life. I had the greatest teachers whom I thank from all my heart. 🙌🏻

Today I was talking about how I love having crushes.  If you’ve met me in the past five years and let me tell you about any of my dating stories, you know my life was like a movie. I actually inspired a few people to travel into datingland and find their significant others. I know, right? 😀

Oh man, I can’t believe I’ve been here five years and I am still alive. Also, single and fabulous! 😎 not entirely sure about my mental health, but I am working on it. And I am home.

Today I am giving myself a good round of applause for not giving up, for surviving at my best and for still trying to accomplish many things 💪🏻

thank you denmark

Cheers! ❤️

ps: August 26th, 1920 is the day that women officially got the right to vote in the US. Today is Women’s Equality Day and, I imagine right in this moment tons of people all over the world celebrate it by debating strongly on feminism, women in business or marriage equality.  If you have interests in any of the subjects, plus more related to women, have a look at this list of books worth reading.