Caress my soul

Sunday I fell in love. I know, I know… I fall in love every day. But this time was with someone on the radio. I’ve been listening to this band before, but never paid any attention nor cared to check it out. But this Sunday something triggered it. Been listening to all their songs, watched all the videos and couldn’t get enough of it. It’s probably my wanderlust, and missing Australia… It got me thinking and dwelling in my memories from my sundry travels down under. I have this memory of a special day in Byron Bay where I met the coolest and friendliest Aussie surfer boys. I remember I was sad about leaving someone when I arrived at Byron, but then this tall dude with a rock/surf/reggae look welcomed me with the most laidback attitude. He looked so newly strange to me I was thinking, oh, he looks so silly with that curly messy loose hair combed back under that silly hat. And he acts so “whatever, dude” about it. You would say he couldn’t care less about his looks, but that pencil mustache of his would just prove you wrong.

So yeah, he made me smile with his looks and all, then he did me a favor and I don’t remember paying any attention to him afterward. For the rest of my life that memory will stay, man. Can you tell I am smiling under my mustache here? hehe

And here I am now. Months and miles away analyzing every bit of that memory and listening to this voice on the radio that makes me live it again and again. I find it so strange… I do, really.

Monday I had the weirdest dream. It was a really sunny day, we were chilling in the land of pleasure. See now is the time when everything was perfect. We would jump around to the sound of music, being high, chewing on our tastes, swimming, and dipping in a summer house’s pool where others would chill having no worries. We would just stare at each other and smile like two kids that have no idea what is this. We took our time, but he took mine. We secluded in that far away place believing that everything was okay.

Next thing I know, we were years away and the whole world was fucked up. We were having the same house, swimming in the same pool but there were seaweeds and we were slower somehow… That was a messy world we would living in. Outside there was no power, no order, no cares about family, kids, friends and strangers. Nothing. There were no straight streets, no locks on doors and no attention. You wouldn’t even feel alive. People would act and feel like objects left aside in a storage room. Yes, there was the sun on the sky, but it was so cold everywhere. You would see babies on the streets freezing their naked bodies and protecting their open bloody wounds. Brrr…

He would look at me with fear and a restless mind saying he hates it when I am away and he’d killed me so I’d stay. Cause he knows I wouldn’t behave. Maybe him and I are a little the same, so what do you think of what we’ve made? 🙂

Babe, even though I only see you on the TV screen,
With all those girls and your toys and your pleasured scream
I’ll easy spend up all this loving for my dream boy
I don’t want to share. Even when it’s quiet, I’ll be thinking about you
I’ll be thinking about you, babe, I’ll be thinking about you.
When you’re with that other girl, I hope you’re thinking about me, I hope you’re thinking bout me, babe.
Cause I’m thinking about you.

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*Thank God for music and talented people who are able to make us feel like this.
Love you, Dylan! ❤
Too bad I didn’t meet you last year 🙂

Desperate to Be Happy

You plan everything. Every minute, every day, month and so you know what the whole year is gonna be about. Everything is carefully planned and nothing comes randomly in your life. Therefore, happiness is part of a very strict program which, if you haven’t learned, might cause you some trouble because, in every second, at every corner there she is, the mistress, the lady in red, or even the misses: Depression. Not having a clear schedule, and having too much time to think, has become her favorite setting and you are her favorite soul to embrace. So you need to have a nice place, speak a certain language, read inspirational quotes and modern personal development books and SHARE it with the world. However, it’s absolutely mandatory to look as natural and spontaneous as it can get in all the pictures.

That’s right. Nowadays, happiness has become a defined, clear portrait and a sum of boxes you need to check. It’s a program induced by the world we’re living in that we are self-learning. But this program cannot be sufficient if it’s not exposed. Once you check the house, the job, the partner and all the other accessories, you have to share it with your friends and the rest of the people you might not even know. Because if you say it out loud that you are happy, no one can take it away from you! And you better be the first at it. That will drive the others to follow you and you’ll feel good about yourself, you will have a feeling of belongingness.

After you understand and accept your belonging in the world, there comes the chase. For “quality time”. This is the mother buzzword for the contemporary coinage in communication. So there you are, at your #perfect #workplace, at the #gym #afterwork, having #dinnerWithFriends or with the #fam. We all know and see it, ‘cause you never miss a chance to share it with the most colourful shots. Everything is about quality: the evenings, the weekends, the scrambled eggs, the sun, that new dress, those details on grandma’s old chairs, the memories, nature, oh, them trees… Not to mention the vitally of the city you live in, the windows, the movement, the people, the smiles, the wind, oh the life! Happiness has to be about all of these elements and it’s shown in every photo, album, and social media account of yours. That’s right. What blows your mind in your notion of happiness and what translates for you into “quality time” is definitely on Snapchat, Facebook, and Instagram. Forget that you have the same friends all over, them seeing your story three times will make you look even happier and they surely will look up to you.

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You’d think they shouldn’t look nor react to it if they don’t like it. Plus, you know, deep down, that the world would be emptier without your inspirational content. This is how the model works. Happiness is a program you need to learn, follow and share. Otherwise, you will… what? What’s the other option? Being mysterious, private, with yourself, your physical scrapbooks, a pen and a diary, a few people around and hangouts with people you haven’t seen for ages just to replace a Netflix show with some reality where you get to react? What is that, you ask? That could be another way of living the same life in a different dimension where you don’t need to desperately be happy. You just are. 🙂

 

Have a great weekend ahead!

 

Post inspired after reading this Romanian piece of good newspaper.

 

 

Happy New Year, Netflix and Chill!

I’m 12 days late. Well, not that kind of late cause I didn’t do it… mostly because one of my friends wished me to get pregnant this year and I got really paranoid about it. I said to her “wish that to yourself, [bitch] I am still young and have lots of things to do before splitting my molecules into another human being aka huge responsibility!”. I mean, I just graduated… I need to try the adult life a bit. All those stories 9 to 5 people told me, like how tired they are and their stupid gorgeous bosses… I want to see if they’re real. 😀 Oh, and I am not sure who I want the father of my child to be just yet. My astrologist says I have some problems in that area. I want to spend the rest of my life with only one guy, but there are too many men out there worth loving. Apparently, I was born under Venus’ watch and that messes up all my relationships.

So, I am here to wish you all a happy new year and that whatever you love may come true and stick around. I know that’s what I want :P. Oh, and stop complaining about your jobs, you can always choose to pass them off (or to others; like me). I am ready to go back to work this year, have awesome colleagues and a super cute, sweet, smart boss ^^.

Another wish I have for you is Netflix and Chill! It’s all inclusive: entertainment, meditation, information, education, company, distractions etc., (Downside/Upside: you have to order pizza).

Oh, and no more dating apps. Unless you know what you want and you know it’s there. 😉

Xoxo

PS: Would you read my book if I write it?? ↓↓↓

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Emotional Unavailable

Emotional unavailable.

What does it mean? That you are not interested or you just don’t care enough about someone? Have you ever asked yourself how available are you when it comes to people who want you in their lives?

I bet you think you are something, some really good stuff about you that make people wanna be around you. Also, I can bet that you think most of them are less interesting or not cool enough so that’s why they like you so much, right? Well, I just read an article about a girl being “emotional unavailable” and it made me think. First of all, the definition of this state of mind or this human being status is: being incomplete, in a continuing inner search, unfinished soul. Looking at me I can see how many frustrations, fears and things I am not satisfied with I cumulated so far. The most important ones are the fear of failure and the struggle to make happy all the people around me. The last one is the most exhausting and like Bill Cosby said “trying to make everyone happy is definitely the key to failure”.

Eva in her diary (Eva is just a very good blogger) says that self-knowledge is far away from emotional-unavailable people who are not aware of their own experiences and they are denying them. So these ones will be attracted to those who know this and will try to save them – because they have this sickly need to suffer. I can say I am pretty much aware of how messed up I am and I still am attracted to those who have what I don’t. I know I had a small amount of affection in my family – not because I wasn’t loved – au contraire – I was really loved and protected, but I was thought and programmed not to show this cause people will use it against me – they will take advantage and I will look weak. So I needed to be strong to fulfill my dreams (or my dad’s unfinished business in this universe) and now I am attracted to those who repeat the same behavior. Damn it! Am I emotional unavailable?! I always admired my father (although he still annoys me like no one else!!!) and I will always be my father’s daughter. Usually we are drawn to people that have something similar to our past relationships and unconsciously we chose them to try to fix something or just to continue the same unhealthy relationships we are used to have since forever.

Looking closely to your past and previous relationships you will realize that all of them have the same pattern and they are all a reiteration of those unfinished business or something that really has marked you and you will never forget. I really don’t know how should I call it and if it really is a problem. I think is just a state of mind or a condition that can be realized and taken as it is. Be a masochist or live like a victim if that’s how you function. Be a savior and fix people. I don’t care, as long as you are doing what you want and it makes you a little bit happy. 😉

 

Read also Eva’s article