Hey, pretty girl*

Hey, pretty girl, how is it going?
Who is seeing you naked these days?
Who steals your eyes in their glowing?
Spreading ambrosia in their ways 
And tears with pepper
No missing, it’s better. 
You cried enough. 
Images… hot stuff.
You don’t want to remember. 
It’s the end of December.
The times when your soul was small. 
The days of this bleak fall. 
Today you’re laughing at your feels,
You’re drowning them in coffee,
Overthinking in your heels,
Wishing for that trophy,
Forgetting about your meals.
Looking in the mirror with your hair loose 
Your heart and mind are still abused. 

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You painted your nails in black, 
Your friend is now the dark.
Wearing your glittery eyes 
You’re strong and wise.
Forget about your therapists!
Forget about the other specialists!
Live your sadness until your thoughts die
And you will reach out to the sky. 
It’s over for you and I
Who knew you can cry rivers? 
Come to me. I won’t lie. 
I won’t give you the shivers.
Don’t cut your hair again.
Don’t run to Spain.
Wait until you’ll have a healthy brain. 
The mirrors will show you.
Take my hand and let’s get away.
We’ll wait for a breezy May. 
We’ll talk after some wine and coffee, 
Some people and stories,
Some chocolate with toffee
And new territories. 
(translated and adapted from a poem one of my amazing Romanian gal pals wrote on her blog)*
Hope you like it 🙂

Day 8: Giving my brain for analysis

I am 70% conscious. Which means I am quite rational on my decisions. Unless I do not want to and pretend the opposite. Or, on special occasions, when I let my heart do the moves. I should do more things with my heart. Stop thinking.

What about me and men? I asked him.

Hmmm. You don’t love them too much. I can see you love women, kids… and then men.

Say what?! [omg, am I lesbian mom now?!]

All this accordingly to a man I have never met, but whom I called for a therapy session I didn’t know for sure I need until … an hour later. Trust me, I wasn’t sure about opening up to a complete stranger, whom I’ve never seen nor even read about. My good old friend mentioned him as a person I could ask a few questions – if he’s willing to answer me, of course, so last week I told her I need to talk to him.

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Anyways, back to the shocking news about me and men. Are you *f… kidding me?! I always thought I love them more than they deserve – but then, there it is: me condescending and thinking so highly of myself. Tsk tsk.

So, what do you want to talk about? he asked me first.

Uhm, I don’t know…

I thought I am doing well when he called. It was also four days after my breakdown, so by then I thought I healed. But all I needed was someone to remind me of the pain by pushing a button like:

I can tell you are depressed a bit.

[… gee, thanks!]

I mean… what do you say to someone who states that about you in the first 3 minutes and, especially when you think you’re ok? :|I felt that our conversation should stop there and I should remember never to do this again.

But I stayed.

I stayed and listen to an accurate analysis of my brains, personality, countries I love, things I wanna do, God, my ex and how many kids I can/will have. I heard lots of things I usually think about but which I never determined like that. Not yet, at least. But I chose to. Just the way I chose to talk, listen and open my heart to someone like him. This was probably the hardest thing I gave so far in my #365Give Challenge. But it was worth it – he gave me a spiritual treatment in return. Now, I am less depressed since our talk. Also, he said people can give me this depression. Which I agree with.

I wonder if you would talk to a stranger with those powers about your deepest fears?

365 GIVE Challenge

Starting today I will give something every day for a year. I don’t know what, how or to whom, but I will discover it myself or with your help. 🙂

I am doing it because I want to learn how to give and to feel the joy of making others happy. Jacqueline, a mom who created the 365give concept to teach her three-year-old how to give, inspired me to do it in her Ted talk about “how to be happy every day”.

I am gonna keep a daily diary of the things I am giving and share it with you. So please, feel free to write to me any ideas of the things I could possibly give. And be humble, I am just a simple girl with great visions and big dreams, but together we could make a difference.

Have a great day ahead!

 

PS: I had an amazing start today and now I am running to a lovely dinner – see you later!

Just Another Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in the land of the happiest people in the world, there was a charming gnome who, except 70 virgins, a driving license, and self-esteem, had everything a man could possibly want.
He was living alone in his big castle, feeling happily unloved and scared of all kind of things  (diseases, stronger men, smarter people, disappointments) when one day, completely out of his league, an unusual girl stepped into his office. She was simple, innocent, and cute, just like a fairy, but the Danish gnome saw her complicated, challenging and sexy. So you know how this kind of story goes: the gnome charms the fairy who breaks up with her loving fiancé and they bang. And bang. Bang, bang, bangity-bang! Hot damn bang.
Three years later, the simple girl is a sophisticated, successful young lady (yes, sex does make you look better), who has no issues. Except for the self-destructing, self-sufficient and self-centered characteristics she inherited from the Gnome Charming, who got himself a virgin, a personal driver and a psychiatrist to remind him of his self-worth. But that’s ok.
They both live sadly separated thinking about each other more than they should.
The end.

Caress my soul

Sunday I fell in love. I know, I know… I fall in love every day. But this time was with someone on the radio. I’ve been listening to this band before, but never paid any attention nor cared to check it out. But this Sunday something triggered it. Been listening to all their songs, watched all the videos and couldn’t get enough of it. It’s probably my wanderlust, and missing Australia… It got me thinking and dwelling in my memories from my sundry travels down under. I have this memory of a special day in Byron Bay where I met the coolest and friendliest Aussie surfer boys. I remember I was sad about leaving someone when I arrived at Byron, but then this tall dude with a rock/surf/reggae look welcomed me with the most laidback attitude. He looked so newly strange to me I was thinking, oh, he looks so silly with that curly messy loose hair combed back under that silly hat. And he acts so “whatever, dude” about it. You would say he couldn’t care less about his looks, but that pencil mustache of his would just prove you wrong.

So yeah, he made me smile with his looks and all, then he did me a favor and I don’t remember paying any attention to him afterward. For the rest of my life that memory will stay, man. Can you tell I am smiling under my mustache here? hehe

And here I am now. Months and miles away analyzing every bit of that memory and listening to this voice on the radio that makes me live it again and again. I find it so strange… I do, really.

Monday I had the weirdest dream. It was a really sunny day, we were chilling in the land of pleasure. See now is the time when everything was perfect. We would jump around to the sound of music, being high, chewing on our tastes, swimming, and dipping in a summer house’s pool where others would chill having no worries. We would just stare at each other and smile like two kids that have no idea what is this. We took our time, but he took mine. We secluded in that far away place believing that everything was okay.

Next thing I know, we were years away and the whole world was fucked up. We were having the same house, swimming in the same pool but there were seaweeds and we were slower somehow… That was a messy world we would living in. Outside there was no power, no order, no cares about family, kids, friends and strangers. Nothing. There were no straight streets, no locks on doors and no attention. You wouldn’t even feel alive. People would act and feel like objects left aside in a storage room. Yes, there was the sun on the sky, but it was so cold everywhere. You would see babies on the streets freezing their naked bodies and protecting their open bloody wounds. Brrr…

He would look at me with fear and a restless mind saying he hates it when I am away and he’d killed me so I’d stay. Cause he knows I wouldn’t behave. Maybe him and I are a little the same, so what do you think of what we’ve made? 🙂

Babe, even though I only see you on the TV screen,
With all those girls and your toys and your pleasured scream
I’ll easy spend up all this loving for my dream boy
I don’t want to share. Even when it’s quiet, I’ll be thinking about you
I’ll be thinking about you, babe, I’ll be thinking about you.
When you’re with that other girl, I hope you’re thinking about me, I hope you’re thinking bout me, babe.
Cause I’m thinking about you.

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*Thank God for music and talented people who are able to make us feel like this.
Love you, Dylan! ❤
Too bad I didn’t meet you last year 🙂

Perfect Sunday Morning

She was half asleep when he came with coffee and French croissants, her favorite. It was one of those mornings when she was smiling over a good feeling about life. It was his first time in this apartment, but he knew exactly where the coffee cups are and how to get himself comfortable in the room’s window. She would look at him sunbathing and feel jealous he took her favorite seat. “But he brought croissants. He can sit there”, she was thinking while reaching for the coffee holding the sheet around her.
– Oh, I forgot to ask, how do you like your coffee? He asked with a slight concern she might want sugar…
– Just black. She smiled and took another sip of her coffee.
– Good. So he turned confident and silent into his world by the window.
He didn’t ask anything, nor did he analyzed her anyhow. It was like he wasn’t even there. But then she asked him a million questions to nihilate the awkward silence. So they talked about his passions, her dreams, his travels, her plans, his friends, her dad and his dentist. By the time she got dressed and ready to sit in her usual window spot, he moved on a chair and started looking at her.
– We haven’t seen each other for 1,5 years. I remember that day like it was yesterday.
– I don’t remember, he said.
– It was that day I was smiling with all my sides over some good news and when I heard you’re gonna be at that party, I came to see you.
He moved to bed, needed to stretch.
She stopped talking and started analyzing him. That bright smile, his baby face, messy hair, body, hands… perfect. And he’s so calm, confident, open-minded, steady, impenetrable and wise. Flawless. Out of her world.
– I wanna hold you for a bit, he invited her back into her own bed.
She had no idea what to do, nor what to say. Eventually, she mumbled her first thought:
– I don’t cuddle…I am scared.
He looked at her with his dark empty eyes and smiled like she was talking nonsense.
– Come here.
So she did. And for the next ten minutes, she would let herself feel different waves of energy, think miles away and be proud of overcoming another fear.
Few cuddles later, he said goodbye, and all she could think of was how curious is that this perfect loving man would make her miss the one guy who is completely his opposite.

Dear Mr. B,

When she left the house, she only had in mind one drink and no expectations. She would go to bed early that night and nothing would change in her life. Little did she knew that wasn’t the case…

She was sitting at the bar thinking what to drink when he told her not to worry, he knows exactly what she needs. “Wait a minute”, she said, “you don’t even know what I don’t like”. “Tell me, then”, he said. It almost sounded silly when she said it out loud, but he didn’t seem to care, that wouldn’t change his mind anyway.

He got it right. “He’s good”, she told herself.

A couple hours later, while contemplating if it was the right time for her to go home or if she should stay a little bit longer… he kissed her. His hands found their way through her loose hair, grabbed her neck with a confident force and pulled her lips on top of his with no shame. Yet, that kiss was magical! One of those that hypnotizes one to lose track of time, space and own body.

When she woke up in the morning she looked at him sleeping next to her and wrote him a letter:

Dear Mr. B,

Thank you for tonight. You made me feel nervous and anxious, but also admired and spoiled. The whole setting was romantic and sexy. Those dim lights on the tall walls, the classical music in the background and those lovers in the back, topped with some aphrodisiac in my drinks and the way you looked into my eyes. Oh, man…

I had no expectations when I came to see you, but you managed to create some and exceed them before I even asked. You look sweet and you seem kind, honest and polite. Maybe too much. I know we just met, but I feel comfortable and safe with you. Which is dangerous now, because you are going to travel around the world, learn how to play guitar, make some art and become a better version of you. In a few years, you are going to be exactly the man I foresee in you, and the man I would definitely love right now because that is who I want. Not the boy you are now.

Bummer, you just said something in your sleep and for a second I was afraid you gonna wake up and I wouldn’t know what to do or say to you. On the other hand, I kinda wished you would wake up and kiss me again. But you just turned on the other side just like a baby sleeping in his own bed. Lucky me…

I have no idea if I will see you again, nor how long will you remember me, but I am glad I met you. Yes, everything would have been different if I hadn’t had come to see you tonight, but it’s too late now. You had to kiss me, didn’t you? 🙂

I had an awesome time with you. Please don’t hesitate to call me. In 3 years.

Love,

V.

She left before he woke up. He never tried to find her. They never forgot each other.

Barntender Making a Cocktail Drink