The Jigsaw Puzzle

We’re being spoiled with choice. There are 7,6 Billion people out there and we stick to the one we’ve met in college. Because of commitment, because of history, because of comfort and because of the fears and the demons screaming: what if you won’t find anyone as nice and supporting? Who else would accept all your flaws so easily? Whose parents will be so loving? What about your friends? What about awkwardness? Fucking dating apps! ugh… that heavy bunch of rocks in the back of your mind, in your stomach and all the alcohol they are floating on…
– It’s fucking insane. I am stuck!
– You can’t imagine a world without it, don’t you?
– Well… it’s intense.
– Take the leap!
– To what?
– You know it better.
Not being tight to someone’s hip all the time increases the level of curiosity, desire, and attraction. Distance and differences in hobbies are the secrets of creating the erotic energy in a relationship between us and the one we love. Esther Perel adds that this energy is built in that gap between you and your partner and your desire to close it and to be intimate.  Perel and other specialists (including my current self) believe that the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.
But we wait. For people to take actions, to fulfill our exceptions and our illusions. The wait is an animal fed with ideas of someone to come or to leave. SPOILER ALERT: They won’t. But you sit there and you wait, waiting for an excuse to get out, just waiting for them to do something unforgivable for u to have a good reason to break up with them. But they won’t do that. So u have to lower your standards for what unforgivable is. So you start with ‘if they are cheating on me that is perfect’ but time goes by and there is not even a slight chance for that to happen. That’s when you get to the bottom unforgivable leaving the seat on or slurping one decibel louder than ever! BAM!
My male Irish comedian version and devastatingly intelligent Daniel Sloss is asking us: have you ever felt being trapped in a relationship where basically it feels like someone is dying but nobody is actually dying, but you secretly wait for that – because that is the best ultimate reason to be free from someone you love less than u used to? If the answer is yes… then let go. Take the leap. Create that distance relationship experts are discussing to be the liaison between two people who want to be together.
– I took the leap! I know it’s the right thing. Feels like shit though.
– Listen. You’re an incredibly beautiful and lovely human. That one doesn’t deserve your attention and affection. You’re a remarkable person and it’s so important to be brave and put yourself out there and do what you did. So I am going to ask you to promise me that this won’t stop you doing the same thing in the future. The world needs more people like you. x
In less than a week, Sloss got a record of breaking up over 4,000 couples right after his Jigsaw Netflix Special got released. Please go watch it and get back to me with some mean feedback!
Make me smile!
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this could be us, but we love to play hide and seek

Date Someone Who Will Break Your Heart

You should date someone who treats you like shit and eventually makes you feel the shittiest you’ve ever been.

 

 No, I am not sarcastic. We are all scared. Scared of being rejected, scared of being lied to, cheated on and hurt in ways we could only imagine. Mostly because we’ve seen it in the movies or on our friends who have experienced some shitty “situationships”.

 

If you know me a little bit, you know that my heart was broken. Plenty of times. The first time it happened it was because of my first sweetheart boyfriend. And although it was just a short and cute relationship, the way he forgot about me one night and the rest of that summer still haunts me. I promised myself I will never ever wait for a guy to text me or come back to me after that one. Of course, that promise was broken way too many times, but hey, aren’t we here to learn from our mistakes? I met that boy again four months later and I told him I missed him and been thinking about him. You know what he said?

 

–  And now you’re telling me? Why didn’t you say anything few months ago? I have a girlfriend now.
This is the reason why I don’t wait for guys to text me anymore. Well, I still do, but not for months. Because now I know that if they don’t text it probably means they have a new girl friend on the radar. Trust me, I’ve been testing this theory way too many times.

 

The second guy who broke my heart was… strategic. He put me up so high on a pedestal I felt I can rule the world. For a short while. Then he just let me there to deal with all that. I had no idea what to do but fall. And boy, that hurt as fuck! Six years later he apologized for the ghosting and admitted he was an idiot, but also the fact that I was out of his league and a bit too much for his waters. Fair enough.

 

The third one, and hopefully the last one, broke every single part of my heart in a million pieces. He made sure I felt like he doesn’t care about my needs, my wants, my ambitions, my thoughts because they were never good enough. All my friends and family hated the guts out of him. They still do. And even though deep down I knew he’s an asshole, I always wondered what did I do wrong. I questioned everything and hoped I would be someone else, something more… just to be enough for him to change and love me back. Oh boy, how I blamed myself for his issues and for him treating me like shit.

 

Not only that this guy would make me think he forgot about me every time I didn’t need it to, but he also pushed me so high on some peaks I’ve never been before. And even after climbing all the mountains I could reach for him, I discovered the oceans, learned how to sail, and went exploring lands I could never imagine. Yup, all because one stupid guy. But don’t follow my example. I just have weird taste in men.

 

Don’t worry, eventually, I got my shit together. One day it just didn’t hurt anymore. And ever since, not only that I fucking know how I want to be treated, but also how to deal and live with where I am left on. Make it a pedestal, a mountain peak, in the middle of the ocean or my own bed. I am there already! And I know how to get back. To myself. Always.

 

So date people who break your heart. It will let you know who you are, what you deserve and how to ask for what you want. Moreover, it will get you to meet people who will put back all the pieces of your heart. And when that is complete again, someone else will be attracted and destined to try to break it. Because that’s what people do. They break wholes and fill holes.

 

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When you have no idea what you caused in a girl’s head

 

Funny game, right?
🙂

killer way (not) to kill a crush

I couldn’t move. We were standing in the middle of that one place that I always fantasize to “trash” with an extreme desire and passion for the human love. It wasn’t the elevator.
I don’t think we were hugging but our bodies were placed tight one onto the other and it felt like two halves put for the first time together. There we were, standing as two halves with conscious minds, fears, insecurities, expectations and a common (in)ability to blend. Our feet were fixed deep on the floor and almost shaking. Our hands were exploring surfaces of clothes and felt new body structures without having the courage to go deeper. Our minds were navigating through all sorts of thoughts and could only imagine what would be beyond all the details. A smooth skin, a muscly chest, a firm touch… maybe an amazing lover?
We already have decided we shouldn’t do anything. Well, I did and he respected my decision. It was just a matter of time until one would fail.
– So you don’t want me to have you right here, right now in the most exciting possible way? he asked staring at me with his glazing eyes.
– No.
I was half lying. He knew that every single inch of my body was screaming “yes”, but I just didn’t want to feel the dull-after-glow.
– I am thirsty. I said after minutes of sniffing, trembling and touching this fascinating man.
– What do you wanna drink? He asked me swallowing some hardcore impulses.
– Anything.
We still didn’t move nor interrupted anyhow the big nothing we were doing. I knew he was waiting for me to fall. To kiss him. To undress him. To have him right there in the most forbidden place. I struggled so much not to though, was curious to see how much can he wait, and I was also secretly hoping he will fail first.
I made the first step back. I think it was the hardest step back I had to take… Damn, my body was paralyzed! I was using all my force left to move away and get some water. My mouth was so dry…
– I would’ve taken you home if you…
– Me too. I said sad but relieved.
Then I left.
It was just a crush. For both of us. And we didn’t consummate it for the sake of not killing its feels. Having a crush like this makes your imagination go wild, lets your hormones dance and beats all the porn videos out there.
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Ghost With Grace

I don’t love him anymore.

(us at some point of our relationships)

When you hear that voice, you know it’s gonna happen. Sooner or later, someone will have a broken heart and, even if you know it might be him, you can’t stop thinking about how shitty you gonna feel. If you are a needy, delusional and hopeless social person, you gonna stay and wait for it to hit you. If you know what you want, you gonna run and ghost the shit out of him. I know this sounds extreme but paradoxical, we should be grateful to our mental issues for the length of our relationships. It’s what they keep us together. Oh, my! This might the biggest secret of how Generation Z can have long-lasting relationships.

The end!

No, no, no! You don’t have any mental issues. You are a strong independent woman who knows herself from head to toes and makes all her decisions. If your family or the society hasn’t spoiled you enough, now it’s your time! Live alone, buy yourself little nice things, big sweet treats, travel, get drunk, forget about him, or at least treat him like he never stood a chance and move onto the next one. After all, the purpose is to know yourself, love yourself and then find the true love (which might be yourself too, but hey, a girl can dream).

Mental health issues have my respect, consideration, and dedication. However, I am here to talk about three side-effects of this society: ghosting, icing, and simmering.

Simmering is when you give someone just a few high hopes, then you tell them you want to see them again, but you are busy the next days so you reschedule later. This basically means:

I don’t want anything serious with you, but I would love to have you on my agenda when I need some fun, so we should just keep this at confortable distance.

(us when we (think we) know what we want

The icing is when you tell them you are not ready to be in a relationship now and you should just wait and see if later in time things will change. This is typical those who just got out of a relationship and still need time and experiences to feel good and awful about themselves while rejecting other people. Icing.

Ghosting is when you reject someone without any reason after having great texts or sex. Just because… oh my God, too many “what ifs”, too many options out there, too many responsibilities.

What we have today is a state of unclear relationships in which I give just enough not to feel alone, but I don’t have to do any of the things that make me responsible and accountable to you.

(Esther Perel)

Relationship and sex expert Esther Perel describes our dating these days as “hyper-connected-but-totally-disconnected“. We constantly checking/measuring/improving ourselves. We are self-centered, selfish, and in constant need of validation. The level of empathy has gone down. We are superficially texting, sexting, being in control of a pattern connected to our freedom.  All these small details in any kind of relationship are touching our confidence and self-esteem.

Love is basically the proof that the contest has ended; that we no longer need to compete because never before has love been such a referendum on our sense of self-worth.

(Esther Perel)

Just like Perel is encouraging us, I am trying to be nice to everyone, no matter how short our encounter is. I have no idea how important is for guys to be told they are not gonna be called or considered as a significant other, but I surely would like to know what is better to have a healthy relationship before it is…

too late

xoxo

me

PS: as part of my 365give challenge this is number 51 and it’s called giving a little piece of our fucked-up women brains who constantly wonder.

Just Another Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, in the land of the happiest people in the world, there was a charming gnome who, except 70 virgins, a driving license, and self-esteem, had everything a man could possibly want.
He was living alone in his big castle, feeling happily unloved and scared of all kind of things  (diseases, stronger men, smarter people, disappointments) when one day, completely out of his league, an unusual girl stepped into his office. She was simple, innocent, and cute, just like a fairy, but the Danish gnome saw her complicated, challenging and sexy. So you know how this kind of story goes: the gnome charms the fairy who breaks up with her loving fiancé and they bang. And bang. Bang, bang, bangity-bang! Hot damn bang.
Three years later, the simple girl is a sophisticated, successful young lady (yes, sex does make you look better), who has no issues. Except for the self-destructing, self-sufficient and self-centered characteristics she inherited from the Gnome Charming, who got himself a virgin, a personal driver and a psychiatrist to remind him of his self-worth. But that’s ok.
They both live sadly separated thinking about each other more than they should.
The end.

What Is Dating About?

Millennials. Individuals reaching adulthood around the turn of the 21st century. According to Howe and Strauss (1991), millennials are born between 1982 and 2004. Therefore, I and, most likely you too, are part of Generation Y or the Net Generation, the demographic cohort that directly follows Generation X.

Being the last generation born in the 20th century, we are also called the “Hookup Generation”, a name which, it turns out, doesn’t really pair with the studies results on how much sex we’re having these days. That’s right, our grandparents were having more sex than we do now. Researchers of the Archives of Sexual Behavior discovered that the prominence of online dating as millennials’ primary means of coupling is a likely factor in their dropping rates of sexual activity. Why you ask? Well, if you assumed that it’s so easy to get laid these days because of Tinder and Bumble apps, for most of the users having an average appearance it leaves them quite reluctant to continue the search. It’s a jungle out there, trust me. What used to work three years ago as an online strategy comes extremely outdated and overused today. You match because you are both on the same hotness level, you say hi and three hours later you meet – because you already have plans for the rest of the week and this is your only day off, thus you having time for such boring activity. Also, for most of the dating apps users, the best time of using it is on the toilet. I know, now you gonna imagine the other one sitting on that throne when texting you. I know. I am sorry, it was tough to accept for me as well.

However, researchers don’t see this a bad thing. Having less sex is correlated with the fact that this generation has become more picky about what constitutes consent and less accepting of pressured sex. “It’s probably a good thing… I think [taking it slowly] is going to lead to better first marriages”, said anthropologist Helen Fisher. Fisher also points that the aforementioned youngsters, also work harder (often unpaid) to pursue their career goals. And now you say “well, that makes so much sense!”. It does, doesn’t it? “It’s a highly motivated, ambitious generation,” Fisher said. “A lot of them are afraid that they’ll get into something they can’t get out of and they won’t be able to get back to their desk and keep studying.”

Harvard University spent 75 years researching the correlations for a long life, thus conducting the longest study on happiness. And you know what is the number one?

MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPS

It’s not about how many friends or partners you have or don’t have. “A person only needs a few close relationships to be happy” (Waldinger, 2015). Now, dating is indeed more fluid than in the past. It looks different and feels different…but at the end of the day, creating a relationship that brings meaning to your own or someone’s life is all what dating is supposed to be about. Because that’s what life is about.

Enjoy dating! 🙂

 

PS: next time I am gonna write about how I made myself a girl-friend through a dating app. Stay tuned!

Dear Mr. B,

When she left the house, she only had in mind one drink and no expectations. She would go to bed early that night and nothing would change in her life. Little did she knew that wasn’t the case…

She was sitting at the bar thinking what to drink when he told her not to worry, he knows exactly what she needs. “Wait a minute”, she said, “you don’t even know what I don’t like”. “Tell me, then”, he said. It almost sounded silly when she said it out loud, but he didn’t seem to care, that wouldn’t change his mind anyway.

He got it right. “He’s good”, she told herself.

A couple hours later, while contemplating if it was the right time for her to go home or if she should stay a little bit longer… he kissed her. His hands found their way through her loose hair, grabbed her neck with a confident force and pulled her lips on top of his with no shame. Yet, that kiss was magical! One of those that hypnotizes one to lose track of time, space and own body.

When she woke up in the morning she looked at him sleeping next to her and wrote him a letter:

Dear Mr. B,

Thank you for tonight. You made me feel nervous and anxious, but also admired and spoiled. The whole setting was romantic and sexy. Those dim lights on the tall walls, the classical music in the background and those lovers in the back, topped with some aphrodisiac in my drinks and the way you looked into my eyes. Oh, man…

I had no expectations when I came to see you, but you managed to create some and exceed them before I even asked. You look sweet and you seem kind, honest and polite. Maybe too much. I know we just met, but I feel comfortable and safe with you. Which is dangerous now, because you are going to travel around the world, learn how to play guitar, make some art and become a better version of you. In a few years, you are going to be exactly the man I foresee in you, and the man I would definitely love right now because that is who I want. Not the boy you are now.

Bummer, you just said something in your sleep and for a second I was afraid you gonna wake up and I wouldn’t know what to do or say to you. On the other hand, I kinda wished you would wake up and kiss me again. But you just turned on the other side just like a baby sleeping in his own bed. Lucky me…

I have no idea if I will see you again, nor how long will you remember me, but I am glad I met you. Yes, everything would have been different if I hadn’t had come to see you tonight, but it’s too late now. You had to kiss me, didn’t you? 🙂

I had an awesome time with you. Please don’t hesitate to call me. In 3 years.

Love,

V.

She left before he woke up. He never tried to find her. They never forgot each other.

Barntender Making a Cocktail Drink