I don’t love him anymore.
(us at some point of our relationships)
When you hear that voice, you know it’s gonna happen. Sooner or later, someone will have a broken heart and, even if you know it might be him, you can’t stop thinking about how shitty you gonna feel. If you are a needy, delusional and hopeless social person, you gonna stay and wait for it to hit you. If you know what you want, you gonna run and ghost the shit out of him. I know this sounds extreme but paradoxical, we should be grateful to our mental issues for the length of our relationships. It’s what they keep us together. Oh, my! This might the biggest secret of how Generation Z can have long-lasting relationships.
No, no, no! You don’t have any mental issues. You are a strong independent woman who knows herself from head to toes and makes all her decisions. If your family or the society hasn’t spoiled you enough, now it’s your time! Live alone, buy yourself little nice things, big sweet treats, travel, get drunk, forget about him, or at least treat him like he never stood a chance and move onto the next one. After all, the purpose is to know yourself, love yourself and then find the true love (which might be yourself too, but hey, a girl can dream).
Mental health issues have my respect, consideration, and dedication. However, I am here to talk about three side-effects of this society: ghosting, icing, and simmering.
Simmering is when you give someone just a few high hopes, then you tell them you want to see them again, but you are busy the next days so you reschedule later. This basically means:
I don’t want anything serious with you, but I would love to have you on my agenda when I need some fun, so we should just keep this at confortable distance.
(us when we (think we) know what we want
The icing is when you tell them you are not ready to be in a relationship now and you should just wait and see if later in time things will change. This is typical those who just got out of a relationship and still need time and experiences to feel good and awful about themselves while rejecting other people. Icing.
Ghosting is when you reject someone without any reason after having great texts or sex. Just because… oh my God, too many “what ifs”, too many options out there, too many responsibilities.
What we have today is a state of unclear relationships in which I give just enough not to feel alone, but I don’t have to do any of the things that make me responsible and accountable to you.
Relationship and sex expert Esther Perel describes our dating these days as “hyper-connected-but-totally-disconnected“. We constantly checking/measuring/improving ourselves. We are self-centered, selfish, and in constant need of validation. The level of empathy has gone down. We are superficially texting, sexting, being in control of a pattern connected to our freedom. All these small details in any kind of relationship are touching our confidence and self-esteem.
Love is basically the proof that the contest has ended; that we no longer need to compete because never before has love been such a referendum on our sense of self-worth.
Just like Perel is encouraging us, I am trying to be nice to everyone, no matter how short our encounter is. I have no idea how important is for guys to be told they are not gonna be called or considered as a significant other, but I surely would like to know what is better to have a healthy relationship before it is…
PS: as part of my 365give challenge this is number 51 and it’s called giving a little piece of our fucked-up women brains who constantly wonder.