I hate going to bed alone. The moment when I let go of my phone it starts. Fear, uncommon thoughts and right after I think I will vomit if I don’t close my eyes, I grab my phone and fool my brain again. Sometimes it takes me hours to let myself fall in the world of dreams and I need even more time in the morning when I have to come back. If I wear pj’s I’ll sweat, so a cold shower will get me closer to that 9am meeting. If I sleep naked, the bed will be extremely attractive and I will make love all morning. But alone. It takes a lot out of one to make me feel that comfortable.
I learnt how to be with myself. It took me like 26 years and some damn smart or annoying people to get me here. I am reading an article about a study on lonely people. It says they (or we) tend to respond more negative to social stimuli. Now it makes sense why after 2 years of crawling for free weekends to party and hang out with people, I find myself in bed on Friday evening and back to world on Monday. I am lonely, therefore negative, right? I used to hate myself for missing out the good parties or people, but now, unless you don’t beg me or bike with me, I will just pass. My friends don’t even bother anymore. Sometimes I think they forgot about me and when they call me after months I feel like vomiting rainbows of gratitude.
I don’t gossip or bad mouthing anymore. Except myself. I don’t hear people who do it, and in my daily concerns I swing from making big decisions like stop wearing a bra for a year or moving to Australia. “You run away from your life!” Excuse me? This is my life. I am a nomad. I change. I move. I learn. I dream. I cry. Hope. Laugh. Work. Eat and try to love. Even my loneliness, my imaginary friends or my broken phone. In days like this when I get unexpected texts saying I am funny or a thank you note for something I did without even realizing, rainbows come out of my mouth. Of happiness. So, researchers, where would you put me now?
ps: they removed puking rainbow filter on snapchat so my life is ruined again!